Some thoughts

I found Sunday School pretty boring as a child.  None of the other girls in the class liked me.  The different mothers took turns with the class (although i don't remember my mother having that class).  Largely we took turns reading a couple of paragraphs from the SS "Quarterly."  That Quarterly was provided by whatever independent Baptist whatever that church belonged to provided for the churches affiliated with them.

When i was between 11 and 13, there was a lesson i'll never forget.  I don't remember any particular scripture being linked to the lesson, it may have been Romans 8.28.  (Although Jeremiah 1.5 and Psalm 139.13 talk about God knowing the writer "from my mother's womb" and God "knitting me together.")

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."  Romans 8.28  (NIV)


Nevertheless, the passage / paragraph i had to read told us, in detail, that God chose my parents for me, knew they would be the perfect family for me, chose them deliberately.  There was much more to it than this, but i found the whole thing really offensive.  As my family was at least dysfunctional and severely lacking in love and understanding, i don't see how i could possibly like such an opinion.  And that is what it was, someone's opinion / interpretation of these scriptures.  

I read "my paragraph" with a great deal of contempt in my voice, i was angry.  But i did look up to see the response from the teacher, and she was angry.  I "ruined" her class.  We never had any discussion of these opinions unless we were reiterating the same opinion.

From that time, i pretty much struggled with all that i was taught in that church.  (And i wish i'd become Anglican / Episcopal at that point.)

I know many, many, many people who tell me over and over again, "Everything happens for a reason."  And, "God promises to guide our every step."  And, that God promises to give me the "desires of my heart."  

This doesn't begin to match my belief system and experience.  I don't argue anymore, although if they are persistent enough i will try to explain.  Telling someone who has been raped or abused that "everything happens for a reason" is simply cruel.  (IS EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS FOR A REASON? - LINK)  Telling someone that God guides their every step when they have made some incredibly poor choices and the consequences for that are severe is a real questionable thing to say.  Telling ME that God will give me the "desires of my heart" when my desires are to have children, drive again, be more functional, be well again.  The children thing is never going to happen, and this is beyond cruel.  

This is a really long discussion that i've been approaching on and off for years now.  The idea that everything that happens has a "reason from God" runs in conflict with free will.  "Everything for a reason" implies "caused by God."  

I've long had a hard time with people who claim their beautiful weather for a picnic was in response to their prayer, while nearby farmers are praying for desperately needed rain, or some child somewhere is desperately praying that they won't be abused anymore, or that their parents won't get drunk or get divorced.  

My Christian college taught us that "God's will is for His people to be Christlike." AND that nearly all the promises that people like to claim - as an individual - were actually promises made to a nation, the people of Israel.  And that almost always making claims for ourselves on promises made to the nation of Israel are scriptures taken out of context.  

I believe in God, our creator.  I believe he sent Jesus.  I also believe that the majority of what churches teach these days are more in line with the Pharisees of Jesus' day than with what Jesus came to bring to us.  Churches (like our gov't) like to control people and using fear or other manipulative methods work in their favor.  

I'm coming to believe that many of the passages in the Bible used to create fear or the threat of "doom" are actually warnings.  For example, telling Christians not to be "unequally yoked" (married, or say, business partners) with unbelievers is a warning that things are not likely to work out in the long run.  

There is plenty more to say, i think, but that is all i can think of at the moment.

(IS IT TRUE THAT EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON? - LINK with scriptures that disagrees with my view)

Not Sure How to Tell This

I had an extensive conversation with someone a couple of weeks ago.  I'm not sure how to talk about it without giving out private info i've no right to share, but the conversation had a massive impact on me and how i see things.

Basically it came down to "behind the scenes" info.  How person A in my life did something that profoundly impacted the outcome of a situation for person B, but that B never knew of that until years later.  B was satisfied with that, feeling that A had his back even tho he never knew about it.  

That doesn't work for me.  I'm glad that B is reassured, but it doesn't work for me.  Because there was no joint feeling in all of this.  Person A could have drawn a group together, made this group feel like there was teamwork and caring in that group.  The people in the group could then feel reassured, loved, and that the group could pull together.  If we had felt that A and the rest of the group "had our backs," there would have been a sense of security.  We didn't know that, and at the time there was no group feeling, no sense of reassurance, of love, or anything but intense loneliness.  

It is hard to state this because of the limitations, but when being told this what i was thinking of was how often i'm told, "When it is all over, we will understand."  Meaning we will understand how God was there for us in this situation or that, situations we did not see the hand of God at the time.  There is a very superficial, hollow, rather trite email circulating.  It is someone talking about their difficult day and then God tells them they couldn't find their car keys making them late for ______ because that kept them from getting in a car accident, etc., etc.  

I do not see the world this way and sometimes it makes me really angry.  IF God works that way, how is it that bad things still happen.  How is it that children desperately pray to be saved from abuse or hunger and no one shows up?

When i think of the story of A doing this but no one knowing until later, i think of how that knowledge could have helped that collection of people pull together, feel comforted, loved, valued.  Instead, time just plodded on, the collection of people remained isolated, disjointed, unaided, until they eventually went their own way.  Learning of all of this after the fact does nothing to reassure me.  It doesn't change the sense of desolation i had at that point, desolation that has shaped my entire life.  I see missed opportunities.  In fact, those missed opportunities that had the ability to do so much good make me really, really angry.  Person A may have been demonstrating love to B or others in that motley collection, but because no one knew about it, there was no experience of love.  I'm angry about it all.

The thought that someday i'll stand before God and understand he "had my back" when this happened or that did not is not the least comforting to me, and after that conversation a couple of weeks back it is even less so.  Because i do not feel God in any way.  I don't see his hand in the way things work, except that i know if he withdrew his hand everything would collapse.  However, i don't see his finger pushing this situation or that.  I feel, as i did before, alone, isolated, forsaken and isolated.  It makes me angry to think i'll later have to hear God say, "I was there for you," when i did not feel or experience it.

54

Duck Dynasty?

It seems everyone has an opinion about this, recently.

Synopsis:  Duck Dynasty is a TV program on A&E about a family that lives rather backwoods and has made a lot of money from creating a duck call thing which has sold well.  The family hunting and business is much of the focus as well as how the women manage things.  The family also is Christian and before every meal a prayer is said.  It seems to be a rather popular show.

(Duane likes the program and has watched a few while i read.  I've not actually watched an entire program, but have heard it as i focus on something else.)

There have been calls from some people to make the family stop the prayer on the program, or at least edit that out.

Recently, the father Phil, was interviewed by a magazine and he made statements about homosexuality that were not complementary.  (For the record, my understanding of what was said was simply his opinion and being confused about how a man can be attracted to another man.  That is a confusion many heterosexuals would share, i think.)

So there has been a big ruckus about this.  People who don't see homosexuality as a problem are calling for Phil to be censored.  People who do see this as a problem are calling for "support Phil."  A&E has decided that Phil won't be allowed on the program any more.  As this is a program about his family, it is doubtful the program will continue.  

Here is the thing:  This country has freedom of speech.  Or it did.  There are many things that cannot be said.  You cannot protest a president where he can see you anymore.  Protesters have to be in a "free speech zone" some miles away.  You cannot shout "Fire!" in a crowded theater if there is not fire.  You cannot make jokes about bombs in an airport.  

But overall, we live in a land that largely allows you to share your opinion.  If you don't like the opinion that is stated, you have the freedom to disagree, rebut, or to boycott a TV show or business that presents opinion with which you disagree.  

I support all those things.  I support the people who want to support Phil, who want to boycott A&E, who want to express their belief he has the right to say those things and believe those things.  I ALSO support the people who disagree with Phil.  I support their right to boycott the show (tho i seriously doubt most of them watched it).  

I hear a lot from Christians these days wanting to return our nation to being a "Christian country."  Frankly i doubt that our country ever was that, but nevertheless there is much call for it.  The truth is that our Founding Fathers gave us freedom of religion.  Whether by design or by accident that means freedom for all religions, even pagan, Muslim, Wiccan, or atheist.  

This means that all such people have the right to share their beliefs/opinions, and other people have the right to disagree, rebut, or boycott.  I am concerned that there is a tendency (or it seems to be) to be biased against Christian speech these days.  None the less, free speech is free speech, no matter the opinion and freedom of religion is freedom no matter what the style.

Christians have become so militant these days.  I really don't understand.  There is so much anger in what they fight about.  And it often seems so petty to me.  

Regardless of your belief in Jesus - whether you believe he was the Christ sent by God, or a naive dreamer wandering - one thing he preached is LOVE.  To love our fellow-man.  To do good to those who would hurt me.  To help the poor, the sick, the needy, the orphan and the fatherless.  

So much of what i see Christians posting these days seems to be grounded in hate.  Hate of gays, hate of Muslims, hate of the way Christians are treated.  I really don't understand this.

Jesus said we would be known as his followers by our love.  He also said that the world would hate us.  So, folks, where is the confusion?  Why are people surprised and baffled by the the response of the world?

(BTW, i know quite well that i am severely lacking in the love Jesus promised.  I pray for it, and i strive to love, but i know that even if i don't speak it i am often critical of others and do not possess the love i should as a follower of Jesus.)

53

Horrible Incident

Yesterday there was a horrific incident at the Washington Navy Yard (D.C. area).  Thirteen people were killed, including the shooter, and eight others were wounded.  Those hurt or killed were a mix of civilian workers and military contractors.

(My commentary:  It is interesting how something like this happens so often when there are other things to distract from.  Right now the President is pushing war with Syria, and innocent people have been shot, one killed, in conflicts with the police in both New York and in North Carolina.  Also, i strongly believe that 100% of these type of shootings with multiple people shot/killed have been done by persons dosed by psychiatrists with heavy-duty psychotropic medications that really mess with people's ability to function normally.  (I have references for this belief.)  I think our gov't covers up the "legal" drug use given our military folks and uses these things to justify pushing harder for gun control.  In fact - really conspiracy theory here - it wouldn't surprise me if someone behind was coaching some of these folks to act on outrageous thoughts.)

I have a cousin in the Navy.  We are not close.  Evidently she was suppose to be stationed in D.C. for another cousin wrote this yesterday:

Hey sis, today we are thankful that God has a plan we don't understand and He made the doors to DC close and instead sent you to Hawaii.  Hope you are doing well.  Love you . . . 

I, too, am thankful my cousin was not there to be injured.  However, as always the theology behind such a statement raises too many questions for me.  If God adjusted things so my cousin would not be there to be shot, did he then PLAN for this shooting to occur and those 20 people be injured or killed?  Or if God did not plan for this man to shoot folks, why would he move my cousin out of the way, but not those other people?  (I guess that is part of the inscrutable plan i don't understand.)

I cannot live with or believe in this theology.  Which seems to put me at odds with most of the Christian community.

Strange Thoughts

We went to church this morning.  We don't go all that often any more.  We were there last week and i guess Duane promised to be there this week because after the service he was going to help Tim (the pastor) with something in planning for next week.  

Tim wasn't there.

Margaret was, however.  I enjoy her services.  At the end she had us close our eyes and imagine Jesus in front of us, arms outstretched and eyes full of love.  We were to walk to him and put our cares and worries in his hands, and then see those cares and worries disappear.

Wow.

Except when i got to Jesus i found him to be a cardboard cut out.  

Can you tell i struggle to find Jesus real in my life?

Post number 50

I just hit post number 500 at my other blog.

I hesitate to post here because my feelings about God are generally not very positive.

No one understands God, of course.  Reportedly God has revealed himself to us thru the Bible, and so everything we "need to know" is there.  Which leaves religion big, small, and in between, confusing, frustrating, harsh, blind, and with tons of different theological approaches.  The Bible is quite confusing, as well.  God is a god of vengeance  of war, of peace, of love, of justice, of harshness.  

Quite honestly, i do not believe that God interferes in our lives much at all, at least not on a physical plane.  I don't believe that God caused this person not to leave on time so that they are not in a car accident but they never know it.  BECAUSE if you believe that, then you have to believe the opposite and that God chose/caused the accidents that do happen.  It drives me to madness to hear people say, "Well, God must have a plan in all of that."  

In the same manner, prayer has me quite confused.  For as much as prayer seems to resolve anything, i might as well walk in tight circles in my bedroom and say that it helps.  I really, really do not "get it."

Now, i can see that everything, everything is a miracle.  

I do believe that there are numerous times each and every day that we each miss death by minutes or even seconds.  I do believe that God promises that all things will work out to his glory ultimately.  I do believe that prayer helps align us to the will of God - whatever that is.  Or changes our hearts somehow.  But do not expect me to believe that God causes every tiny thing or has it all planned in detail.  And if you tell me, "It must be part of God's plan," don't be surprised to hear me scream.

Life is unfair . . .

. . . and God is inept.

At least, that is certainly how life looks to me, often.  


That is a statement that could fall into many categories.  

I started this several days ago, but don't know exactly where i had planned to take this post.


I've been reading a number of blogs recently which deal with doubt in the Christian faith.  Most are struggling with doubt themselves, or are open to doubt (as opposed to condemning it as "sin").  Jason Boyett even reported that some people are coming to think that doubt is "trendy."  Say what?  "Trendy" is the type of shoes you wear or the TV program you watch.  Doubt is definitely not so fun.  


Three thoughts from his post with which i agree (tho i think these are from somewhere else):


Never trust anyone who hasn't wrestled with doubt. Why? Because Jesus is an equal-opportunity offender, and if his words don't cause you to ask hard questions, you're not hearing them right. Totally agree.

Doubt is not the opposite of faith. Citing Os Guinness, Ray says doubt shouldn't be confused with unbelief, which springs from the will, but instead is something that springs from honesty or confusion. Bingo.


The object of faith is a Person, not a proposition. Am I doubting my understanding of God, or am I doubting God himself?

From one of the other blogs i read i found:  Outside The Box.  I've only just begun to explore this blog, but what i've read so far is mind blowing.  It will take time to read and digest.