Matthew 6

But you, when you pray, go into your room, and when you have shut your door, pray to your Father who is in the secret place; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you openly.   Matthew 6.6

I think it is a form of bragging about your own spirituality when you tell people how often you pray.

It seems to me that a lot of people are quick to admonish others to pray.  I'm sorry, but to me this is a pseudo form of spirituality.  We are called to be a community of believers.  When we admonish each other to pray, it sounds like we are being spiritual.  But often i think it covers up the fact that we don't want to deal with the uncomfortable - death or loss of jobs or addiction or alcoholism or children in trouble or serious illness.  It is uncomfortable to recognize that we are not able to "fix this" for each other, and since we can't "fix it," it is uncomfortable to have to listen to the pain another person is feeling.  So telling that person to pray is a quick and easy "fix."  Then we can walk away patting ourselves on the back that we were properly Christian about the whole thing.  

The New Faith

In [a] sense, very few people today ever trust in god. Very few people ever voluntarily put themselves in a position where, if their prayers are unanswered, or if god otherwise fails to act, they will suffer a physical or financial harm. Sure, they will pray, but it will always be in addition to doing whatever common sense, or science, tells them to do. This renders the outcome of the prayers completely irrelevant . . .



For example, whenever anybody is sick, they would unlikely be so foolhardy as to put their money on god in lieu of medical science. They may pray on the side, as a harmless, cost-free way of doubling down, but no way in hell would a rational person ignore their surgeon in favor of just prayer. Such rational people do not “trust in god.” His existence or nonexistence is rendered irrelevant by the medical advice they follow. 

InGod We (Do Not) Trust

An atheist wrote this, so i suppose it is not surprising that the writer equivocates trust in God with being mindless. But i do think they have a point about trust and science. In my opinion, most Christians these days have replaced trust in God with trust in medical science.

Maybe this wouldn't be bad if there was something to trust in medical science. The fact is, however, that most of what passes as “medical science” is a mishmash of politically driven interest. “Medicine” as it passes today is big business. The fact that most drug studies are highly biased for the drug company and are tainted at every step of the process is overlooked by the very people who are suppose to be protecting the consumers. Properly prescribed medications kill over 100,000 people a year, and conventional medicine kills over 700,000 people a year – all legally. But you never hear of this. You DO hear on the rare occasion that something alternative creates a problem. That becomes big news. The media will tell you that alternative treatments are not safe.  They are claiming that Steve Jobs was killed because he used alternative medicine. A friend wrote (Mellowsong's entry) that she felt that SJ didn't properly use either alternative or conventional medicine, and that was the problem. I think this is an accurate assessment.

My indictment of the above article written by an atheist is that the writer seems to put as much blind trust in science as he accuses Christians of having in God.  His faith in science is misplaced, i believe.

I do not think Christians should be mindless. There are some conventional treatments which i suppose are needed, especially if the person is not willing to make changes in diet and environment that will help to fight their disease.  But this means the person in question needs to be responsible to research treatments and not blindly trust “My doctor says . . . ” First off, doctors are not some great, infallible prophet. Second, most of the research in which they trust has been skewed and should not be trusted.  Third, in this day of easy access to alternatives, this is much easier to do.  It is hard, i admit, because there is so much available to read that you can be overwhelmed by the amount of info.  I don't think this excuses us from being responsible for our own decisions and choosing not to capitulate to the decision of a doctor. 

We have thousands of years of experience with natural, God-given plants, minerals, and vitamins in this world which treat illness and heal. But this doesn't make big money for the doctors and hospitals – or the drug companies. Instead, the scientists play with these natural things until they can create a synthetic substitute that they can then patent and sell. While these synthetic substances do seem to work more quickly than the natural one (and in our culture especially, “quick” relief is valued above all else), these synthetic drugs have a myriad of problems. First off, our body does not utilize them as well as the natural substance and as a result, the synthetic has a host of severe reactions and side effects.  These can be sudden and quick (such as anaphylactic shock) or long term (such as muscle weakness or liver damage).

One example: There is evidence that calcium fluoride can help build strong teeth – if taken in very limited doses. The industry making fertilizer (it was created in other manufacturing processes as well) created a huge surplus of very toxic sodium fluoride or other related fluorides. This type of fluoride is found nowhere in nature. But the theory (studies to back this were never completed because the results were so contrary to the theory) was that if calcium fluoride would be good, sodium fluoride would be as well. The industries could save huge amounts of money by selling this substance to the water districts and thus not have to deal with this very toxic chemical waste. However – it is still a chemical waste and if the water districts spill this stuff while they are adding it to the water, a Hazmat team has to be called in to handle the disposal of it. We want this in our water? And yet, the majority of Americans believe it when they are told that fluoride is healthy for us.

The American Medical Association was created with the specific goal to weed out all competition to their interests.  Heroic medicine was already in place at that time, but the goals of the AMA were to promote it over any other system. (Don't bother with Wikipedia for the definition of “Heroic medicine.” Their answer is much too incomplete. You could try this Healthwebsite.)  Supposedly, the days of heroic medicine - doing much damage to the patient in the meantime - are past, but in my mind much of conventional medicine – especially cancer treatments – are nothing but an updated version of heroic medicine.

So, my big question is why on earth would Christians blindly follow the advice of conventional medical doctors – whose track record in treating patients is really pathetic – instead of researching all possibilities? I strongly believe that nearly all illness we see these days is directly a result of the processed foods people eat, our polluted water and environment, the chemicals used in our homes and workplaces, and the medications so easily taken by people without much thought. It is time to start living as our creator designed us to live, with the good food and water provided, rather than trusting an industry to feed us or treat disease.

I think it strange that the Church (in early days it would have been the Catholic Church as there was no other) chose to fear natural medicine and healing and claim it "witchcraft" and in time has instead chosen to advocate current allopathic, heroic medicine. 

This is near and dear to my heart right now as i personally know of three people who are placing their lives in the hands of these medical folks. It is hard for me to bear.

Title

By that i mean, I looked for love.


Recently i wrote of the death of my grandmother (on my main blog, This 'n That From on the Mountain).  I didn't write in great detail because i didn't want to be offensive, but i was honestly perplexed at much of what the family wrote.  In my experience, my grandmother did not have much "unconditional love."  She disapproved of the religion, actions, and choices of many of her family, and withheld approval and love arbitrarily.  She could be very harsh and judgmental.  

So many of the things i heard said of her confused me.  

But i was told that a cousin - who lived near her while growing up - spoke of that to my sister.  She said that yes, our grandmother was harsh and difficult.  But at home when their family spoke of it the response was, "Yes, Grandma is that way.  But that is how she is and we love her."  They accepted her, and loving her was a fact, not conditional on behaviors.

Let me say that i did not experience my grandmother as harsh when i was a child.  She was warm and loving.  We lived a long way from her from the time i was 8 years old, and when we visited, she made a big to-do about my sisters and myself.  It was not until i was a young adult and made choices of which she disapproved (i did not go to college right out of high school) that i experienced the judgement and harshness.  I was completely unprepared for her way of dealing with me and to a degree, heartbroken that she would be so hard.  


But i also did not live anywhere near her.  I had not lived in a day's driving distance since i was 8 years old, and i was never again to live in that part of the country.  So i saw her rarely, and after that visit i wasn't anxious to go back again. 


I wonder if it would have been different had my family stayed in the South instead of moving 2,000 miles away.  I'm not sure it would have, because saying, "That is how she is.  We love her anyway" was not the way my family did things.  Instead of saying, "that is how" someone else sees and deals with the world, my mother would spend hours agonizing over "what did i do?" and "why would someone respond to/treat me in such a manner?"


As an adult, i can see the limitations of this view.  While it taught me a degree of responsibility and saying, "What was my part in this?"  "Am i responsible for what just occurred?" it was not a balanced perspective.  A balanced perspective would have included something like, "Is that how this person responds to the world?  Did i initiate it, or is it something innate within them?"  My mother's viewpoint blamed herself (or me, or my sisters) for the behavior of others.  This created more pain in relationships than i think needs to be there, than there would be if our views had been a bit more balanced.


Still, i think part of the reason my cousins were able to carve out some relationship with our grandmother thru the years is because they were there.  It is hard to build a relationship with someone when you are not present to do that.


When someone has harmed me, i'm not sure it is a matter of forgiveness (tho that comes into it, of course) but that i never really trust them again.  I tend to back off.


For the past couple of weeks, the scripture readings have been on the Sermon on the Mount.  Last week Tim was talking about love, and how that we are told to do so - we don't have the option of picking and choosing.  I heard all of that, even tho i was trying to subdue an almost-4-year-old thru the sermon.  


And i was convicted.  I was holding my grandmother accountable - i was judging her for not having "unconditional love."  But the fact is, neither did i.  I essentially said that my love was conditional on her not hurting me or not being harsh.  


Now, that is natural, but it is not Christian.  Jesus told us to love our enemies and to do good to those who hate us.  THAT is what makes Christianity powerful.  Tim spoke of Christianity being watered down, but largely i think it is watered down because we do not have that love.  As Christians, many of us have fallen into the cultural trap of trying to shield ourselves from hurt or pain.  But we are not called to do that, we are called to trust (God) and to love.


I have long heard that "love is an action word" not just a feeling.  Sometimes it is hard for me to know how that is to play out.  But i know i'm a long way from that.  I don't know how much "action" i can take/do, but i can do something.  

I have been very aware that i am very lacking in love for others (and tend to be judgmental) and have been praying, praying, praying for more love.  I think it is time to stop praying and start doing.  (This reminds me of an anecdote in a book, i think was Christy by Catherine Marshall.  An old lady spoke of praying to forgive someone for a wrong they had done her.  Said she prayed for this for years until she finally decided simply to forgive.  Then she did.)

There are a couple of difficult folks in my life (relatives).  I've had a distant relationship with them and haven't known how to change that.  But i think simply reaching out is one key.  I'll probably try to send letters/cards, with no expectation of recriprocation.  In the past, if i reached out 3 or 4 times and got no response, i stopped.  I think it is time to let go of my ego, and simply work at loving, regardless of the outcome.  I think that even with folks who are not difficult for me, i need to do more to let them know i love them.  


This is not to say that i'm not still struggling with doubt/faith, and all the rest.  Sometimes the way i am and feel in church is simply cognitive dissonance.  Wednesdays i often attend an Anglican mass at noon.  This week, the simultaneous feelings of doubting whether there is a God and simply wanting to serve him was bizarre.  It isn't even ambivalent (which i tend to see as a neutral feeling).  It is simply weird.  But i HAVE decided that even if it is all bunk, the whole of Christianity is a myth, i desire to live a life that reflects the teachings and love of Christ.  It is my desire to live a life that reflects Christ as much as i am able.



I failed my grandmother.  That is gone, past, not to be undone now.  But i can learn from it and change the way i respond to people in the future.  
_________________________  


I am very much touched by this post at O Me of Little Faith.  This is the type of Christian i want to be, not what our culture perceives Christianity to be.


46

Trust

Duane and i both like SciFi & some fantasy tv/movies.

 I've not watched Smallville from the beginning.  Shoot, i didn't even have a tv when that program began.  Essentially, i missed the high school years of the program.


This is the last season for the program to run.  We were watching an episode last night.


Background:  Chloe, a friend of Clark's and many of the other characters, disappeared a while back without giving her friends any explanation.  In this episode, she returns but her actions are confusing and it looks as if she is trying to harm her friends.  Her actions become more clear as the show progresses, but each of the friends has to make a decision whether or not they will trust her.  Clark really struggles with this.

I find this ironic (and the writers probably wrote it with this intention) because throughout the history of the program Clark has often done things without explanation to his friends, expecting them to trust him.


At the end of the program, Clark, realizing how much trust he has required from his friends over time, questions Chloe.  He asks how she was able to place so much trust in him.  (My recap of this here may not be exact, it went by quickly.)  At times Clark lied to his friends, believing they were safer not to know the truth in some cases.  Chloe often knew that Clark was lying.  He questions how she could trust him regardless, and her response was that she was often able to see thru the lies, knowing he cared for her (and others) and was trying to protect them.


She finishes by saying, "That is the essence of trust in a person, isn't it, that you don't require them to give an explanation?"

I've long been meaning to write about the last book in the Harry Potter series.  I recently re-read them.  (I know a lot of Christian folks reject these books due to their subject matter.  I have a lot to say on this, but that's a post for another day.)


Thru the books, one of Harry's mentors is Professor Dumbledore.  At times this mentor has asked things of Harry without explanation.  In one of the seven books, Harry has essentially no contact with his mentor, and when he tries to question him at times, Dumbledore ignores the attempt.  At the end of that book he explains to Harry that he felt that keeping a distance would protect Harry.  But of course, that raised a lot of resentment in Harry from the misunderstanding (of why this mentor would do such a thing).  

In the final book, after learning more of his mentor, the info Harry gleans seems to be really contradictory and some of the choices the mentor has made seems to hold little regard for Harry's own life, Harry himself has to make a decision.


Harry really wrestles with the situation.  And ultimately, he decides to follow the path he is on, the path set before him by his mentor, even tho much of it does not make sense to him.


Of course, i have much more to say on this, but i'm out of time for now.


Let's just say that my course is to explore this further.  Sara's faith makes much more sense to me now, because she trusts that God is good and faithful, even if she doesn't have an explanation for all that has happened to her.






45

Happy New Year

I've been meaning to write for some time now, but it seems to me that marshaling my thoughts just doesn't come that easily.  


First off, i want to share two posts, both by Sara Frankl.  Believe.  She does.  This woman has incredible faith.  She places her life in God's hands each and every minute of the day.  She begins speaking of the parable in Matthew 20 about the workers who were all paid the same no matter how many hours they labored.  This is a parable that Duane and i have often discussed.


But what really hit me most in this post by Sara is where she says, "I'll have what she's having, please."  If anyone could be discontented, it is Sara.  But Sara spends her time reminding herself (thru her moment by moment pain) that she doesn't dictate to God and that God is good, all the time.  As always, i stand in awe of her faith.  Because i frequently want to say, "I'll have what she's having, please."  (She writes this much more clearly than i'm saying here.)


The second, also by Sara, is Praise.  Frankly, i struggle with the idea that God is good, all the time.  


My word for 2011 is Acceptance.   I'm making some headway with this.  I re-read some posts from This 'n That from on the Mountain from December 2009.  I was really struggling with bitterness and resentment.  I didn't say a lot about it, but enough that i remember how consumed i was with bitterness.  I had been so sure that if we just were patient enough, God would give us our deepest desire of having a family.

This year was not like that, i was not consumed with bitterness.  I don't think it will ever be easy for me to think, "Our Kaylee would be  _  years old now."  I don't think i will ever have an easy time hearing of all the new babies due for the coming year.  (Three i'm aware of so far.)  This year was a bit more peace about this.  It may have helped that we did have children as part of the holiday (Nina's kids).  I'm thankful that that grip of harsh, hateful bitterness has relaxed. 

Another thing that may change this year is that we are likely to become regular attenders at the Lutheran (Spirit of Peace) church.  This surprises me a bit as i didn't want to settle into one church.  But we feel most at home there, i think.  Although, there is some possibility that this SoP church might join in with a Presbyterian church in the area.  That would be different.


This part may be a bit controversial.  I have a very hard time with many Christian phrases.  One that is being used currently by several bloggers i read is, "Less of me, more of Him," (or is it "More of Him, less of me"?).  I think that there are some preconceptions in my background that make me respond negatively to this idea.


There is a Doctor Who episode where a nasty villain called The Master turned all the people on Earth into replicas of himself.  It is hard for me to see that when Christians talk about "less of me" that they are not trying to do something similar, only, of course Jesus being the one replicated.  It feels evil to me.


The image i have of us having "less of self, more of Christ" is like having a big, big white puzzle, with every piece identical.  


Again.  I see this as evil.


I believe that it is Satan's doing that we feel we cannot have personality or individuality and reflect Jesus well.  (Now, i recognize that the folks who use this phrase are almost certainly not having the idea that we should be identical.)  We are created so uniquely and so differently.  I cannot believe that God desires us to wash away all individuality in order to be a Christian.  Rather, i believe that God would use us uniquely, our individuality, our gifts.


It may very well be that some of us can reach other folks better with our flaws and foibles than a perfect Jesus replica would be able to.  


In contrast to that perfectly white puzzle with each piece identical to all the others, i see God's creation - including his children - as a riot of colors, textures, sizes, and gifts.  To be more like Christ, to me, is to become more of the individual person he created me to be.  I do not desire to be more selfish, of course, but "less of me" is a concept that is difficult to grasp.  What part of myself am i suppose to discard?


While i am perfectly aware that most Christians do not have my conception of this phrase, it is often implied in churches.  


The truth, i believe, is balanced somewhere between my extreme view of this phrase, and the view of a radically right-wing church.  


It disturbs me that i wonder if i'm able to reject this idea and still be a Christian.  Am i denying Jesus in wanting to retain my individuality?





44

Watering

This is not a new or unique idea.  What is watered grows, what doesn't get water eventually dies.

I'm a very challenged gardener.  I frequently forget to water.  I have a number of dead plants in my kitchen, currently, and about 4 that are doing very well.  I also have an ivy plant in the bathroom that is doing quite well.  I water it twice a week when i take a shower.  


In my faith, my belief in God, i frequently have doubts.  A few months ago i probably would have said, "struggle with doubt," but the truth is, i have begun to embrace the doubt.  Tho i am sure there are Christians who do not doubt, it is hard for me to imagine a thinking person NOT having doubts.  The world is just so contradictory.  There are just too many questions.  Many of the "promises" that Christians claim are taken out of context or do not come true.  How can i not doubt the nature of a God that says so many of the weird and bizarre things in the Old Testament.  Even many of the things Jesus said are difficult to grasp.  


I read a number of different blogs, many of which are Christian or written by folks who are Christian.  A few are about struggling with, accepting, or fighting doubts.  One of these is O Me of Little Faith.  There is also a book by the same title.  I've spoken of it before.  I would like to write about it more extensively, but haven't gotten around to doing so.  


Now, i know in the eyes of some folks, including our former pastor, doubt would usher me straight into hell.  I don't believe that.  But this is a discussion for another time.


The fact is, i have faith, such as it is.  It doesn't look like the faith of an Evangelical or Fundamental Christian.  Those particular branches of Christianity espouse things and do things that make me very uncomfortable.  But i have faith all the same.  It gives me some comfort.  It is not the type of faith that will blow away all doubt.  I think my faith will have to co-exist with doubt indefinitely.  


However, it recently occurred to me that i can choose my focus.  If i spend too much time at blogs that espouse doubt, then that is where my thoughts will be.  Blogs that embrace doubt are not harmful, they can (for me) be very helpful.  But anything that dwells too much on seeking out more doubt, more negativity, will have too much effect on me in a negative manner.  There is lots of research literature in psychology stating what a strong effect our minds, thoughts, and beliefs have on our physical and mental well being.


(BTW, if i am already reading your blog, i'm not talking about dropping it!  I'm only speaking of not further seeking that which will make me doubt, scientific data, etc.)

The fact is, none of us know.  That is where faith comes in.   People can claim to know, but they are not able to provide any kind of proof that would stand up in scientific testing.  People can claim an experience, but that is not something reproducible, nor is it something that anyone else can experience with them.  


I find, for me, that having some kind of faith, even if it also embraces and accepts doubt, is comforting.  Certainly there are many scriptures in the Bible that encourage living in a way that will bring peace:  Love your neighbor, being a peacemaker, being meek, pure of heart, or merciful.  It seems to be these are only negatives in the way we sometimes translate (or preach about).  I think that living as a follower of Jesus is the way to have a life that is more about peace and caring about others and being less self-involved.  Luke 12:34  For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also. (Although, i recognize that if i lived in a place that persecuted Christians my faith would either have to grow to something more and become stronger, or die.)


Self-involvement is natural, of course, but when taken to an extreme it seems to be the root of most mental illness.  


Too much of the Bible is incomprehensible, too.  Except it does seem that Jesus is telling us that the fairness by which we measure is not very important to God.  Look at the parable of the workers in the vineyard (Matthew 20).  All i can do with something like this is to trust that the God who is so beyond me is a God who will care, even when things seem unfair to me.


When i focus too much on things that encourage severe doubt (which seems to go hand in hand with unhappiness for me), it does make sense to me to remember:  


1 Corinthians 1:25  For the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men.

And,  Proverbs 3:5-7  Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge him,and he will make straight your paths.  Be not wise in your own eyes;  fear the Lord, and turn away from evil.


While i am not stupid, i am not terribly smart, either.  I think accepting that there is much i don't understand, and choosing not to believe my own brain is the ultimate to make decisions and understand everything leaves me the room to believe and trust in God, even if he is incomprehensible to me.  I've a feeling that all my own "wisdom" is pretty foolish.


There are so many things in our culture, our churches, our nation, our world, our universe, which make little sense to me.  Trying to make sense of them makes it worse!  It is comforting to me to believe that even if God seems unfair, unjust, and just simply weird, a God who created us and sent his son to be our bridge to him probably is incomprehensible.  That is where my faith comes in.  I choose to believe that i can't understand because it is beyond me and that all the unfairness in our world will make sense in the next, if it is even important enough to think of there.  And if i'm wrong (about the next world), well, i won't know, will i?  Or, i'll deal with that when i have to.

For me, it doesn't hurt to focus on these verses:


Philippians 4:8  Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

I can choose which plant to water, doubt or faith.  I can choose to focus on positive rather than negative.  I've a feeling that when i water one, the other is getting some of that water, too.  But i think i want to focus on watering faith as much as possible, and accept that doubt grows there as well.  But i don't want to focus on what would make the doubt grow to the point it chokes out the faith i have.


(All these scriptures make it sound like i'm quite the Bible scholar, but it isn't true.  I don't actually do a lot of Bible reading, most of these i did a Google search, tho i did have the basics in my head to know what to search for.)



43

Words

I've had this page open for forever.  A month or more.  I was trying to write about my current struggle, but the words just were not coming.  It is saved, perhaps i will use it at a later date.


Let me just say, i'm really having trouble with the concept of God in our world.  I'm coming to more strongly believe that "fairness" - at least the way as it is conceived by humans - is entirely a human construct not one from God.  At least, that is how it looks.  I think that our construct of "fair" is entirely foreign to God and not part of his nature at all.


Now, somehow i do think it is hardwired in us to be "fair" because even small children grasp and hold the idea.  If you give a couple of kids 4 years old each a piece of pie, but one piece is noticeably bigger, tell me that the one won't yell, "That's not FAIR!"  Probably even younger than 4.


Yet, over and over i see in the Bible that God does what he will, regardless of our concept of "fair."


That's all i've got to say about it right now.
_____________________________


We were at "the other" Lutheran Church this weekend.  We saw another couple from our original church, E and S, but i knew that they had not been attending there for a long, long time.  More than a year.  


These folks are actually neighbors of ours, about 3 houses away, but i never see them outside so i've never really approached them.  Their son T (who is about 15-16) walks thru the neighborhood and says hello to us when we are out.  


What i learned was this:  They went thru a family crisis a couple of years ago.  They weren't able to attend for a while because of this and no one from the church ever contacted them.  No one.  Not once. 


S and E were very hurt.  I feel very badly for them.  I also feel responsible to some degree of not trying to make more of an effort, although they don't see it that way.  We had only been attending for a short while when they stopped coming.  


But more.  T was going thru catechism with Pastor G.  G preached from the pulpit at least once "that you cannot be a Christian AND a vegetarian."  Yep, he said that.  I took him to task for it.  I was quite upset with this rigid view.  Of course, it is HIS view, but when he preaches he never says, "In my opinion . . . "  He preaches as if what he was saying (his opinion) is gospel. 


However, it has further consequences than my being upset.  The SON had just become vegetarian and heard G say this.  Evidently they discussed it and T chose not to continue with catechism and refused to attend there any longer.  His mama says he has gotten into paganism.


Now, i do believe that if that is where he wanted to go, if he was drawn to paganism, he probably would have ended up there.  But if nothing else, G gave him a push.  


And more, another couple that attended erratically, T and K, had issues as well.  I guess they were having some marital problems and T was seeking counsel from G.  At some point G told T that his marriage was over and he needed to divorce K.  K was quite put out with G over this and they stopped attending much at all.  (BTW, G is not the first pastor that i've heard of saying something like this.  It may even be good advice on a rare occasion, but i don't believe a pastor should ever be pushing a congregant in this direction!)


From my understanding, this was several years ago.  They are still married.  K is having some fairly severe medical problems.  I think they moved away.  What is hard for me to grasp is that they attended at all ever again!  If G had told Duane something like that, you can be sure i would never step foot in the church again.


And, i've a confession.  In both of these cases, i rather stood in judgment of these folks who rarely attended church.  I had no business doing this, and i knew it.  But i know that i still felt a bit smug and superior knowing i was in church weekly when they "couldn't be bothered" to make it.


I won't say this in my defense, for there is no excuse, but G encouraged such thought.  He often preached in church that "If we really loved the Lord . . . " the church would be filled, or we would be in those pews every week, or some such thing.  He frequently preached things that would encourage the congregation to feel superior to other folks, whether other members or other churches. 


This disturbed me a lot.  I didn't like it when he preached this.  I disagreed with it.  I saw it as manipulative.  It even made me feel guilty and (at that time anyway) we were there every week.  Why was i feeling condemned for something of which i was not guilty?  It was because of the manipulation.  It was when he began preaching such things that i began to be quite uncomfortable with that church.  (I took this up with G once, too.  About the manipulation and use of guilt.  He budged not at all on this issue.  His take was that if someone feels guilty about something of which he preaches, then the arrow hit the mark and they ARE guilty and need to repent.  Um, not so much, thank you.  I am NOT guilty on this point.)


This does not excuse my attitude at all.  I repent and ask forgiveness because even as i was doing this i knew it was wrong.  But (not "but" about my behavior, i am responsible), it wasn't clear to me that even tho i disagreed with G on this, my thought processes were lining up with his when i felt self righteous on issues of which i had no right to feel superior.  Speaking with these folks made it clear to me that i'd been offensively smug (privately, i never shared this even with Duane) when it was not justified and wrong for me to do so. 


I'm coming more and more to see how dangerous G's church has become.  And i continue to be sad about it, but i am healing.  Time and distance does help heal.


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