By that i mean, I looked for love.
Recently i wrote of the death of my grandmother (on my main blog, This 'n That From on the Mountain). I didn't write in great detail because i didn't want to be offensive, but i was honestly perplexed at much of what the family wrote. In my experience, my grandmother did not have much "unconditional love." She disapproved of the religion, actions, and choices of many of her family, and withheld approval and love arbitrarily. She could be very harsh and judgmental.
So many of the things i heard said of her confused me.
But i was told that a cousin - who lived near her while growing up - spoke of that to my sister. She said that yes, our grandmother was harsh and difficult. But at home when their family spoke of it the response was, "Yes, Grandma is that way. But that is how she is and we love her." They accepted her, and loving her was a fact, not conditional on behaviors.
Let me say that i did not experience my grandmother as harsh when i was a child. She was warm and loving. We lived a long way from her from the time i was 8 years old, and when we visited, she made a big to-do about my sisters and myself. It was not until i was a young adult and made choices of which she disapproved (i did not go to college right out of high school) that i experienced the judgement and harshness. I was completely unprepared for her way of dealing with me and to a degree, heartbroken that she would be so hard.
But i also did not live anywhere near her. I had not lived in a day's driving distance since i was 8 years old, and i was never again to live in that part of the country. So i saw her rarely, and after that visit i wasn't anxious to go back again.
I wonder if it would have been different had my family stayed in the South instead of moving 2,000 miles away. I'm not sure it would have, because saying, "That is how she is. We love her anyway" was not the way my family did things. Instead of saying, "that is how" someone else sees and deals with the world, my mother would spend hours agonizing over "what did i do?" and "why would someone respond to/treat me in such a manner?"
As an adult, i can see the limitations of this view. While it taught me a degree of responsibility and saying, "What was my part in this?" "Am i responsible for what just occurred?" it was not a balanced perspective. A balanced perspective would have included something like, "Is that how this person responds to the world? Did i initiate it, or is it something innate within them?" My mother's viewpoint blamed herself (or me, or my sisters) for the behavior of others. This created more pain in relationships than i think needs to be there, than there would be if our views had been a bit more balanced.
Still, i think part of the reason my cousins were able to carve out some relationship with our grandmother thru the years is because they were there. It is hard to build a relationship with someone when you are not present to do that.
When someone has harmed me, i'm not sure it is a matter of forgiveness (tho that comes into it, of course) but that i never really trust them again. I tend to back off.
For the past couple of weeks, the scripture readings have been on the Sermon on the Mount. Last week Tim was talking about love, and how that we are told to do so - we don't have the option of picking and choosing. I heard all of that, even tho i was trying to subdue an almost-4-year-old thru the sermon.
And i was convicted. I was holding my grandmother accountable - i was judging her for not having "unconditional love." But the fact is, neither did i. I essentially said that my love was conditional on her not hurting me or not being harsh.
Now, that is natural, but it is not Christian. Jesus told us to love our enemies and to do good to those who hate us. THAT is what makes Christianity powerful. Tim spoke of Christianity being watered down, but largely i think it is watered down because we do not have that love. As Christians, many of us have fallen into the cultural trap of trying to shield ourselves from hurt or pain. But we are not called to do that, we are called to trust (God) and to love.
I have long heard that "love is an action word" not just a feeling. Sometimes it is hard for me to know how that is to play out. But i know i'm a long way from that. I don't know how much "action" i can take/do, but i can do something.
I have been very aware that i am very lacking in love for others (and tend to be judgmental) and have been praying, praying, praying for more love. I think it is time to stop praying and start doing. (This reminds me of an anecdote in a book, i think was Christy by Catherine Marshall. An old lady spoke of praying to forgive someone for a wrong they had done her. Said she prayed for this for years until she finally decided simply to forgive. Then she did.)
There are a couple of difficult folks in my life (relatives). I've had a distant relationship with them and haven't known how to change that. But i think simply reaching out is one key. I'll probably try to send letters/cards, with no expectation of recriprocation. In the past, if i reached out 3 or 4 times and got no response, i stopped. I think it is time to let go of my ego, and simply work at loving, regardless of the outcome. I think that even with folks who are not difficult for me, i need to do more to let them know i love them.
This is not to say that i'm not still struggling with doubt/faith, and all the rest. Sometimes the way i am and feel in church is simply cognitive dissonance. Wednesdays i often attend an Anglican mass at noon. This week, the simultaneous feelings of doubting whether there is a God and simply wanting to serve him was bizarre. It isn't even ambivalent (which i tend to see as a neutral feeling). It is simply weird. But i HAVE decided that even if it is all bunk, the whole of Christianity is a myth, i desire to live a life that reflects the teachings and love of Christ. It is my desire to live a life that reflects Christ as much as i am able.
I failed my grandmother. That is gone, past, not to be undone now. But i can learn from it and change the way i respond to people in the future.
_________________________
I am very much touched by this post at O Me of Little Faith. This is the type of Christian i want to be, not what our culture perceives Christianity to be.
46
Recently i wrote of the death of my grandmother (on my main blog, This 'n That From on the Mountain). I didn't write in great detail because i didn't want to be offensive, but i was honestly perplexed at much of what the family wrote. In my experience, my grandmother did not have much "unconditional love." She disapproved of the religion, actions, and choices of many of her family, and withheld approval and love arbitrarily. She could be very harsh and judgmental.
So many of the things i heard said of her confused me.
But i was told that a cousin - who lived near her while growing up - spoke of that to my sister. She said that yes, our grandmother was harsh and difficult. But at home when their family spoke of it the response was, "Yes, Grandma is that way. But that is how she is and we love her." They accepted her, and loving her was a fact, not conditional on behaviors.
Let me say that i did not experience my grandmother as harsh when i was a child. She was warm and loving. We lived a long way from her from the time i was 8 years old, and when we visited, she made a big to-do about my sisters and myself. It was not until i was a young adult and made choices of which she disapproved (i did not go to college right out of high school) that i experienced the judgement and harshness. I was completely unprepared for her way of dealing with me and to a degree, heartbroken that she would be so hard.
But i also did not live anywhere near her. I had not lived in a day's driving distance since i was 8 years old, and i was never again to live in that part of the country. So i saw her rarely, and after that visit i wasn't anxious to go back again.
I wonder if it would have been different had my family stayed in the South instead of moving 2,000 miles away. I'm not sure it would have, because saying, "That is how she is. We love her anyway" was not the way my family did things. Instead of saying, "that is how" someone else sees and deals with the world, my mother would spend hours agonizing over "what did i do?" and "why would someone respond to/treat me in such a manner?"
As an adult, i can see the limitations of this view. While it taught me a degree of responsibility and saying, "What was my part in this?" "Am i responsible for what just occurred?" it was not a balanced perspective. A balanced perspective would have included something like, "Is that how this person responds to the world? Did i initiate it, or is it something innate within them?" My mother's viewpoint blamed herself (or me, or my sisters) for the behavior of others. This created more pain in relationships than i think needs to be there, than there would be if our views had been a bit more balanced.
Still, i think part of the reason my cousins were able to carve out some relationship with our grandmother thru the years is because they were there. It is hard to build a relationship with someone when you are not present to do that.
When someone has harmed me, i'm not sure it is a matter of forgiveness (tho that comes into it, of course) but that i never really trust them again. I tend to back off.
For the past couple of weeks, the scripture readings have been on the Sermon on the Mount. Last week Tim was talking about love, and how that we are told to do so - we don't have the option of picking and choosing. I heard all of that, even tho i was trying to subdue an almost-4-year-old thru the sermon.
And i was convicted. I was holding my grandmother accountable - i was judging her for not having "unconditional love." But the fact is, neither did i. I essentially said that my love was conditional on her not hurting me or not being harsh.
Now, that is natural, but it is not Christian. Jesus told us to love our enemies and to do good to those who hate us. THAT is what makes Christianity powerful. Tim spoke of Christianity being watered down, but largely i think it is watered down because we do not have that love. As Christians, many of us have fallen into the cultural trap of trying to shield ourselves from hurt or pain. But we are not called to do that, we are called to trust (God) and to love.
I have long heard that "love is an action word" not just a feeling. Sometimes it is hard for me to know how that is to play out. But i know i'm a long way from that. I don't know how much "action" i can take/do, but i can do something.
I have been very aware that i am very lacking in love for others (and tend to be judgmental) and have been praying, praying, praying for more love. I think it is time to stop praying and start doing. (This reminds me of an anecdote in a book, i think was Christy by Catherine Marshall. An old lady spoke of praying to forgive someone for a wrong they had done her. Said she prayed for this for years until she finally decided simply to forgive. Then she did.)
There are a couple of difficult folks in my life (relatives). I've had a distant relationship with them and haven't known how to change that. But i think simply reaching out is one key. I'll probably try to send letters/cards, with no expectation of recriprocation. In the past, if i reached out 3 or 4 times and got no response, i stopped. I think it is time to let go of my ego, and simply work at loving, regardless of the outcome. I think that even with folks who are not difficult for me, i need to do more to let them know i love them.
This is not to say that i'm not still struggling with doubt/faith, and all the rest. Sometimes the way i am and feel in church is simply cognitive dissonance. Wednesdays i often attend an Anglican mass at noon. This week, the simultaneous feelings of doubting whether there is a God and simply wanting to serve him was bizarre. It isn't even ambivalent (which i tend to see as a neutral feeling). It is simply weird. But i HAVE decided that even if it is all bunk, the whole of Christianity is a myth, i desire to live a life that reflects the teachings and love of Christ. It is my desire to live a life that reflects Christ as much as i am able.
I failed my grandmother. That is gone, past, not to be undone now. But i can learn from it and change the way i respond to people in the future.
_________________________
I am very much touched by this post at O Me of Little Faith. This is the type of Christian i want to be, not what our culture perceives Christianity to be.
46
3 comments:
This is a very thought-provoking post and perhaps I need to ruminate on it for a little while. But you know me, I'm impatient, and so here are a little of what I'm thinking of with regards to love and loving those around me.
Yes, we should try to project love to everyone, especially those we are in family relationships with and who comprise where we came from and so on. But I don't think it is always necessary to open yourself up to pain, and it sounds like your adult relationship with her was a source of unpleasant emotions. I think we can, when we feel strong emotionally, reach out to try and make connections but not to put ourselves into a situation of intense emotional trauma. Life is full of pain, I sometimes think it is that which allows us to draw pleasure from other experiences. But personally, as a Christian, I do not seek those people out who have hurt me deeply - I continue to pray for them that God can turn their hearts and make them kinder, gentler, more approachable. I believe in God answering our prayers - but we may not like the way they are answered.
My two cents' worth, and I am sorry about your loss. It is never easy to have the feeling of a generation passing.
I loved this post. For a number of reasons I won't go into. But I have to say a few things.
1. Are you sure your mother and mine weren't the same person?! It has taken me a long time to even begin to accept that the way people behave is the way they behave, and it's all about them and their problems, not about me, and what I did to cause the reaction!
2. I remember people saying that you can love someone, but not particularly like them (or the way they act). I have some family members like that. And it's ok.
3. I think you can love someone "actively" as you say, but I think they need to be open to that. And if they're not, then we can't force them to be. We can just be there, if and when they are ready, or they need us. Otherwise, I think we're just trying to make ourselves feel better?
4. Finally (I know I'm breaking all the rules of commenting on blogs here), I don't think you failed your Grandmother. That sounds like a very harsh judgement. I think you reacted normally, and now - with the benefit of hindsight - you're intent on behaving differently. Isn't that honouring her?
Only God loves perfectly and unconditionally; he has shown that in the giving of His own Son. Keep yourself in the love of God - and it will form you in love.
And I need this - we all need this.
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