I LOOKED FOR LOVE
I looked for love in the red rose so small,
I looked for love in the green tree so tall;
But the red rose had its thorns,
And the green tree was a cross,
And my searching for love
Was a total loss.
I looked for love in a friendly face so true,
I looked for love in a creed I once knew;
But, my friend just called me "friend,"
And He said "I'm searching too"
And the creed only told me
What I couldn't do.
Then one day I heard the story
Of love like I'd never known,
How God gave His Son to save me
And wanted me for His own, His own, His very own
And now I know what it means to belong,
Not lost in a crowd,
Swept along by the throng:
But to Him who gave His life
Every longing to fulfill,
And I know that He loves me,
And He always will.
(The only credits i found for this were: by Second Destiny: Jim Curnow/Bill Himes etc. I think this means these are the folks who recorded this, not that they wrote it.)
I think that the reason this is in my head is because we had a discussion with our pastor about the creed recently. I'm not going to go into it because it is long, involved, & rather pointless. I can see both sides of the argument very clearly but i still have an emotional involvement. I don't think it is all that important in one sense, but in another it is. This issue & one other have only confirmed our decision to "church hop" for a while.
Being raised in very conservative, fundamentalist, evangelical protestant churches, i had never heard of a creed. The first time i ever heard it was at church camp when i was about 11. A bunch of counselors sang this song. I was totally ignorant of liturgical services (except a vague notion of the Catholic Church). I asked the girl sitting next to me what a "creed" was. I don't remember all that she said, except that her church used a creed & it wasn't a big deal. I think she tried to tell me more, but we got in trouble for talking.
I remember that fact with a lot of resentment. I was at an age where i had nothing but dislike & antipathy toward adults - all adults, essentially. There were a few who were kind to me & didn't push my buttons, but most were annoying & i actively avoided them. I also thought, at age 11, that i knew exactly what i was doing & didn't feel anyone had the right to tell me otherwise. In this instance particularly, i felt that it was a reasonable question & resented that i was just being told to shut up.
That song has never made much sense to me. Also the implication is that coming to God imparts a sense of belonging & no longer being alone. I didn't find that to be true.
But also as an adult now, someone who has known liturgical services & the creeds, i think the person who wrote this song was clueless about what a creed is. In the song it indicates a list of rules to live up to, which the writer "couldn't do." Obviously written by a person who was told that liturgical churches give folks a list of things they have to do to make it into heaven. Having come from that (evangelical) background it doesn't surprise me; i believe i heard sermons on why liturgical churches were wrong because we can't follow a list to get into heaven.
But that is NOT what the creeds are about. The Nicene Creed & Apostles' Creed are merely a statement of faith, of belief. "I believe in God, the father almighty, creator of heaven & earth . . . " Nothing at all about what i have to do, just a statement of belief.
When i met with my sis last week, we had a long discussion on faith & searching for God & living for Christ, etc. I stated that i have never "felt the presence of God" & for a long time it bothered me a lot. As a child it bothered me to the point of feeling i couldn't be "saved." Told Sis that i had come to believe that God's promises are true - no matter what i feel or don't feel.
She sent me this quote:
God’s presence and the sense of God’s presence are different. God is present. His sense of presence is a gift to be grateful for when it comes. C. S. Lewis in “Letters to an American Lady"
On another note, because church camp is on my mind - camp memories are not very pleasant for me. I frequently felt that i didn't belong anywhere. Most of the girls in my Sunday School ignored me. But at camp that year i felt, for a little while, that i did belong. We did things. They talked to me. It was a lovely week. So, at the end of that week when i had to return to "real life" - being in a very dysfunctional & unhappy home & being ignored at church (i had no illusions that the "friendship" with those girls would continue & it did not) i cried. A lot.
The counselor in my group recorded me. I said i was ignoring all adults at that time? I ignored the fact that she was one of my dad's students. (He taught undergrad & grad students at MSU.) She liked my dad. She thought it would be deliciously funny to play this recording of me crying because i had to go home - play it for my dad. The sense of betrayal & outrage at her behavior was overwhelming. I think it only affirmed my belief that adults were despicable & not to be trusted.
Other things happened at camp as well. My sisters didn't have great experiences there, but they remember the camp fondly. I've never really understood it. But then, i struggle with forgiveness. Burn me? I'm likely never again to go near the thing, person, or situation that burned me. Ever.
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