I always have so much to say "in my head" & have such a hard time "putting it on paper."
Duane & i have been "church hopping" as i've not been very comfortable at the church where we are members. We don't expect to find a place that fits us, which is why we don't plan to settle somewhere. We plan to continue to "hop" for some time.
I do feel kind of strange - the Lutheran Church thinks we've not been there because of illness. They sent me a flower arrangement. I told someone i felt guilty, but that's not true. I just feel kind of odd, weird.
The big problem has been how do we decide where to go on a particular Sunday? I don't really want to leave it up to how i feel any one day. When i do that, we might fall into the pattern - like last week - of not going anywhere at all. We could do it as: The first Sunday we go to X, the second Sunday we go to Y . . .
Duane suggested that we choose 6 churches (not including the Lutheran - we do intend to go there still "regularly," maybe once every six weeks or so), & assign them a number. Then roll a die. I laughed when he suggested it, & he got a little defensive, but i wasn't laughing at him or putting down his idea. It is as good as any other. I just laughed because i thought it the strangest way to choose a church i'd ever heard.
__________________________
I've several windows open on the computer because i wanted to write about what was there, but not to bookmark them. Bookmarks tend to get lost in the shuffle frankly. If i keep a window open, eventually i have to do something with it.
The first i have open in as interview at the blog The Church of No People. It is an interview with someone named Jason. He talked of his experience growing up in an Evangelical church.
Until my last couple years of high school, my biggest doubts were about my salvation. I grew up in a very evangelistic church culture. Lots of traveling evangelists came through, and they were very good at getting people worked up about whether or not they really knew Jesus as their savior, and whether or not they were going to hell. I had friends, and even parents of friends, who got "saved" multiple times. I never had the guts to get re-saved, but I spent most of my adolescent and teen years worried that I wasn't officially a child of God, in the born-again evangelical sense.
Then, once I got past the am-I-saved-or-not? doubts, I moved on to bigger and wilder doubts -- the ones about whether or not God even exists. That's where I've been for the last decade or so. The biggest stumbling block for me has been education. The more I learn about the Bible and the history of theology, the more I learn about science and the human brain, the more I learn about philosophy and psychology and sociology, the more I wonder whether religion is just something we've made up.
You’ve pointed out that your Christian background is southern Baptist. Have you found the Baptist church (or any church for that matter) to be a really good place to explore issues of doubt?
Um, no. Though of course there are pockets of grace and understanding everywhere, the Baptist church as a whole is not one that is comfortable with uncertainty. It is steadfastly conservative in politics, in theology, and in practice. Doubts are, by definition, not very conservative. But I'm part of a creative and merciful small-church community that has allowed me to play a significant role here despite my doubts and questions.
This was definitely my experience, especially the "Lots of traveling evangelists came thru, & they were very good at getting people worked up about whether or not they really knew Jesus as their savior, & whether or not they were going to hell." I don't know why it is that this seems to be the evangelical version of preaching. In my growing up, it wasn't just traveling evangelists, however. Every week the pastor would preach in a manner that indicated that we just couldn't be sure & we'd better repent. Every service would have an "altar call."
This is why i found the Episcopal/Anglican church to be such a relief to me. It is not that they didn't recognize that people need Jesus, but that they did this bringing folks to the Lord in what i consider a more responsible manner. It is also why i'm struggling some with the Lutheran Church. The Lutheran Church evidentally doesn't believe that we can be sure about salvation.
Now, frankly, i'm not a "once saved, always saved" kind of person. But:
1 Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus . . . 16 The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. 17 Now if we are children, then we are heirs--heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory . . . 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:1;16, 17;38,39 NIV
I firmly believe that if we desire to be "in Christ" & part of God's kingdom, we have that freedom & the security of knowing we belong to God. Conversely, for the folks who want no part of God, even if they claimed to be Christians at one time, i do not believe God will force himself on them. As someone i love to read (Anna by Fynn) once said, "God is a gentleman."
I know that i once struggled with the security of "knowing" i was saved, i doubted my salvation. But God does not lie. Now, as an adult & somewhat more mature, i don't understand the preaching that makes folks feel insecure. God has promised us life with him if we are "in Christ Jesus." What is there to doubt???
______________________
I came across another post that really spoke to me. It is called "Why do they hate us?" by a blogger called The Internet Monk. Evidently he died very recently. The Jason of the last section was giving tribute to him & mentioned this post. It is speaking of Evangelical Christians.
It resonates with me. I am a Christian, & therefore i really struggle with much of my feelings (mostly negative) of the Evangelical persuasion. I've not had good or happy experiences with much of my time with that particular doctrine, & i don't necessarily agree or accept much of what they push.
(Disclaimer here, i've several friends of the Evangelical bent, & i love them very much. This is not directed at any one person.)
I think what i find difficult is that many Evangelicals tend to be so rigid. I've already run into it up here, the Baptist Church claiming, "We're the only ones who've got it right." I do not, of course, believe that "all roads lead to God." However, that said, within Jesus Christ, i believe that there are a number of different ways that God uses to lead us, call us, use us. I don't believe there is any one church that "has it all right" simply because the Gospels are too broad. We humans have a hard time with that & tend to narrow it to a doctrine we can grasp.
But i do struggle with what i was taught as a child, that is, the Evangelicals are the only ones who are right & the rest are lost. That the only way to be a Christian is to do ________, & _________, & __________. Usually having to do with Bible reading & devotions & church attendance.
Um, it seems to me that we are back to law. But i know a lot of folks caught in that web. I know of 5 people who were raised in the (Evangelical) church where i was raised who as young adults left the church never to return (to my knowledge, i've not been in touch with them in years). I know another one who didn't leave the church but was so crippled by her doubts about her salvation & that God could "really" love her (she believed she had to be a goat not a sheep) that her functioning was impaired. I ached for her beliefs - tho they mirrored mine - not believing God wanted her to live in that despair. But she couldn't/wouldn't listen to my arguments, for we had been taught that the Evangelical/Baptist teachings were all that were right & true.
Again, i just don't believe God desires his chosen, his children to live in such despair & defeat. For 99 out of 100 folks attending those churches, they perhaps don't have a problem with this. For the 1 percent of us, however, it can be a real struggle.
I can't claim that i'm living "as i should" as a Christian. Since the end of Lent, i've struggled with devotions & even talking to God regularly. I still struggle some with bitterness that "God won't give" me what i desire. I have a hard time with Christian novels where the person struggles & struggles & struggles & then submits & suddenly life is great & they achieve their hearts' desires.
I don't think it is real. I don't think it happens all that often. God's promises to the people of the New Covenant, to folks of the New Testament age, to Christians are the hope of new life in Christ & in the kingdom to come. I think we in the US, we of a lot of privilege forget this. Prosperity gospel is a lie.
I think we forget that there are people who die for the gospel, who are persecuted, who lose what they have. I think we forget that there are a lot of people who don't have that "happy ending" of novels here on earth.
That said, of course i want my happy ending. I struggle with my reality, but even tho i struggle, i accept that my life is not going to follow the pattern my desires would dictate.
What is more, i don't want to be a "cultural Christian." This is going to sound judgmental, & i don't mean it to be, but i don't want to attend a church just for it to become a social club for me.
Now, don't get me wrong. I want to make friends & to have more folks in my life. Duane & i seem too isolated to me. I think we need to develop more relationships. Church is a good place for that to happen. But i don't want my social & cultural status in a church to define me as a Christian. I don't know if i'm saying this right.
Some months ago i began following a blog called "Stuff Christians Like." Some of the things he said early on resonated with me & made an impact. But as time went on, i found that much of it did not, because i'm not part of that cultural Christianity, & i don't want to be. Some of what he was talking about became more clear to me in some of the churches we've visited.
I met someone else recently who commented on this. She mentioned a specific church (which we have visited) & said she was surprised at her treatment there. She said she sat in a "dead zone" with about 15 feet on all sides of her empty. The people didn't want to meet new folks, they wanted to be with their friends. That was our experience at that church as well. It also had the requsite band at the front who played half an hour of contemporary worship music before the pastor got up to do a 50 minute sermon.
Now, please don't misunderstand me. I'm not knocking this church. It does preach the Gospel, not a watered down version or some prosperity junk. I'm sure it meets the needs in the lives of many. I'm sure it helps people meet Jesus & learn about being a Christian. As i said earlier, i believe that within the Christian faith there are many different variations that honor God.
But i don't want to be part of that. To me, for me, it would be too shallow. It would be taking a cultural way of being a Christian, & that i don't want. I just don't know how to say it well, & given my current lack of real spiritual discipline it even sounds hypocritical, but i want something deeper.
That's enough for one night, i think. It is clear why i've not written in a while. I've so much bottled up inside that it has been difficult to write - & very wordy as well.
It was my intent to do a devotional reading every day during Lent. I failed.
Devotions are not something i find easy. Partly because i lack in discipline, but there are other reasons as well.
I signed up for two different ones, one Lutheran (L), one Episcopalian (E), to be sent to me via email daily. My goal was to do more scripture reading. The L devotional did use scripture, & early in Lent i would often look up (usually on the computer) the scripture & read more than what they printed.
The E devotional, however, had a number of different items at the top. On occasion they used scripture but more often a reading from a hymnal or the prayer book or another "inspirational" source. Then the devotion would be that person's thoughts. While it usually had a spiritual tone to it, frankly, it was fluff.
Sometimes i read the devotionals daily as they came in, other times i went back & did several days at a time. (Flavors of Ashleigh Brilliant, a paraphrase: I try to take it one day at a time, but sometimes the days gang up on me.) I didn't necessarily want to do deep Bible study, but i wasn't all that interested in fluff, either.
I need to find something else for me because i want this to go beyond Lent. Probably not devotionals but simply reading the scripture. However, i bought two books about devotionals & i'll write about them another time. One is bluntly honest & describes very well the feelings i've had about them.
(I find i tend to do split infinitives. Gotta work on that.)
Passion as such has gone. And i do struggle with a lot of different emotion especially bitterness Yet some peace remains. It is as if i'm open to possibilities that were closed to me before. I plan to feed that all that i can. :)
