Happy New Year

I've been meaning to write for some time now, but it seems to me that marshaling my thoughts just doesn't come that easily.  


First off, i want to share two posts, both by Sara Frankl.  Believe.  She does.  This woman has incredible faith.  She places her life in God's hands each and every minute of the day.  She begins speaking of the parable in Matthew 20 about the workers who were all paid the same no matter how many hours they labored.  This is a parable that Duane and i have often discussed.


But what really hit me most in this post by Sara is where she says, "I'll have what she's having, please."  If anyone could be discontented, it is Sara.  But Sara spends her time reminding herself (thru her moment by moment pain) that she doesn't dictate to God and that God is good, all the time.  As always, i stand in awe of her faith.  Because i frequently want to say, "I'll have what she's having, please."  (She writes this much more clearly than i'm saying here.)


The second, also by Sara, is Praise.  Frankly, i struggle with the idea that God is good, all the time.  


My word for 2011 is Acceptance.   I'm making some headway with this.  I re-read some posts from This 'n That from on the Mountain from December 2009.  I was really struggling with bitterness and resentment.  I didn't say a lot about it, but enough that i remember how consumed i was with bitterness.  I had been so sure that if we just were patient enough, God would give us our deepest desire of having a family.

This year was not like that, i was not consumed with bitterness.  I don't think it will ever be easy for me to think, "Our Kaylee would be  _  years old now."  I don't think i will ever have an easy time hearing of all the new babies due for the coming year.  (Three i'm aware of so far.)  This year was a bit more peace about this.  It may have helped that we did have children as part of the holiday (Nina's kids).  I'm thankful that that grip of harsh, hateful bitterness has relaxed. 

Another thing that may change this year is that we are likely to become regular attenders at the Lutheran (Spirit of Peace) church.  This surprises me a bit as i didn't want to settle into one church.  But we feel most at home there, i think.  Although, there is some possibility that this SoP church might join in with a Presbyterian church in the area.  That would be different.


This part may be a bit controversial.  I have a very hard time with many Christian phrases.  One that is being used currently by several bloggers i read is, "Less of me, more of Him," (or is it "More of Him, less of me"?).  I think that there are some preconceptions in my background that make me respond negatively to this idea.


There is a Doctor Who episode where a nasty villain called The Master turned all the people on Earth into replicas of himself.  It is hard for me to see that when Christians talk about "less of me" that they are not trying to do something similar, only, of course Jesus being the one replicated.  It feels evil to me.


The image i have of us having "less of self, more of Christ" is like having a big, big white puzzle, with every piece identical.  


Again.  I see this as evil.


I believe that it is Satan's doing that we feel we cannot have personality or individuality and reflect Jesus well.  (Now, i recognize that the folks who use this phrase are almost certainly not having the idea that we should be identical.)  We are created so uniquely and so differently.  I cannot believe that God desires us to wash away all individuality in order to be a Christian.  Rather, i believe that God would use us uniquely, our individuality, our gifts.


It may very well be that some of us can reach other folks better with our flaws and foibles than a perfect Jesus replica would be able to.  


In contrast to that perfectly white puzzle with each piece identical to all the others, i see God's creation - including his children - as a riot of colors, textures, sizes, and gifts.  To be more like Christ, to me, is to become more of the individual person he created me to be.  I do not desire to be more selfish, of course, but "less of me" is a concept that is difficult to grasp.  What part of myself am i suppose to discard?


While i am perfectly aware that most Christians do not have my conception of this phrase, it is often implied in churches.  


The truth, i believe, is balanced somewhere between my extreme view of this phrase, and the view of a radically right-wing church.  


It disturbs me that i wonder if i'm able to reject this idea and still be a Christian.  Am i denying Jesus in wanting to retain my individuality?





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