We went to church this morning. We don't go all that often any more. We were there last week and i guess Duane promised to be there this week because after the service he was going to help Tim (the pastor) with something in planning for next week.
Tim wasn't there.
Margaret was, however. I enjoy her services. At the end she had us close our eyes and imagine Jesus in front of us, arms outstretched and eyes full of love. We were to walk to him and put our cares and worries in his hands, and then see those cares and worries disappear.
Wow.
Except when i got to Jesus i found him to be a cardboard cut out.
Can you tell i struggle to find Jesus real in my life?
Tim wasn't there.
Margaret was, however. I enjoy her services. At the end she had us close our eyes and imagine Jesus in front of us, arms outstretched and eyes full of love. We were to walk to him and put our cares and worries in his hands, and then see those cares and worries disappear.
Wow.
Except when i got to Jesus i found him to be a cardboard cut out.
Can you tell i struggle to find Jesus real in my life?
3 comments:
Kathryn,
How--shocking--that dream must have been! Or was it more like "That's what I thought"? Your honesty takes my breath away-in a good way, if I can say that. You express what I think so many of us feel at times. I am really struggling with my readings through the OT where God takes property and furnished homes and productive gardens away from people in the land he gave Abraham and gives them to his own people. They are like hermit crabs, moving into other peoples'shells.
I have a Skype therapist now (she's in Portland) who basically asks me what I'm feeling and whether I'll let Jesus speak to that, tell me how he sees it. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. . .
Love,
J.
Well, it wasn't a dream. It was more like guided imagery or hypnosis. She had us going down some steps (going down steps seems to be an integral pattern to these things) and seeing Jesus before us with his hands outstretched and acceptance and deep love in his eyes. No, i wasn't expecting to find him a cardboard cut out. And i have NEVER done well with guided imagery or hypnosis. It is not uncommon for me to have a negative reaction to it.
I wrote this to a friend:
It IS sad that i saw Jesus as a cardboard cut out, but it is honest. I frankly think most of what passes for Christianity seeks to put a "nice face" on rules and regulations (e.g. the Fundamentals) and the Jesus often presented to the world IS merely an image. I think in the back of my head, i have been critical of most of Christianity for worshipping a poster-image, and in this, i found myself condemned, too.
We seem to take the message of LOVE and twist it into such rigid, unyielding, torturous messes. After we got into such a mess with Missouri Synod, i researched its origins more. I was really blown away by how rigid and condemning the original leadership had been, and their hatred to anyone who did not believe EXACTLY as they did.
So, while i was rather surprised and taken aback that that was how i saw Jesus, (and to me indicates much of my struggle with my faith and difficulty "feeling" God to me), it tells me i need to go in search of the REAL person, and not be satisfied with pretty imitations. (It makes me wonder, now, if all the other people in that room were able to see what Margaret was trying to give us, or if they struggled as well.)
I'm also not too surprised that love is such a struggle for me. As an adult i recognize that my parents did love me, but it is head knowledge - i never "felt" it (nor did my sisters). Sad. I was raised in an unloving Fundamentalist church (it has taken me a while to get over that, too, and i don't tolerate that preaching to this day; many of their pet words "trigger" me and i do much better in a liturgical church). Somehow love has never been something i feel, so feeling love from God is a challenge.
I hope your experience with the new therapist is good for you and helps you to achieve what you need.
That last line was for you, Jessica, not my friend! :)
Post a Comment