The heart of the matter

I think i missed the reading yesterday.  I thought i did it, but now i'm not sure.

I am feeling deeply lonely & disconnected.  This is not a reflection on my marriage.  I'm married to the most wonderful guy in the world.  

I think the problem is within me, the emptiness that is almost always there.  I feel "needy" so often.  I spend so much time alone without many connections.  I struggle with these feelings, however.  I was told as a child that becoming a Christian takes care of the lonely feelings & the emptiness.  I have never found it to be so.  As a child i questioned my Christianity because the emptiness didn't leave, i didn't feel more like i "belong," & the lonely days echo.  I have often had trouble "witnessing" or "sharing my faith" because of this. 


Facebook is a big hit with lots of folks.  Twitter as well.  I don't do the latter.  I do FB, but i find it a disappointment.  In one sense it is not.  I get to see/hear about things from people with whom i otherwise have little contact (like my nieces & nephews).  I have "reconnected" with a couple of people i'd "lost" over the years.  


The reconnect hasn't really led anywhere, tho.  We've not had any conversation; i can now see what is happening in their lives as they post.  This is not "their" fault.  I've not written either & now that some time has gone by, i'm not sure even what to say.  


I find FB the ultimate in superficial connection.  Some folks have made more of it.  Donna asks for prayer for folks she knows.  Some people post scripture.  But, over all, i find it a casual, trivial, frivolous, contrived, artificial, meaningless, hollow.  I don't feel closer to any of the folks.  I just know more about them. 

6

Sunday, Sunday

Technically, Sundays are not counted as the days of Lent.

We visited a small Baptist Church this AM.  I'd not been to a Baptist Church in many, many years.  I was really excited to visit this church.  They've a lovely website that shows a group of people committed & excited to be part of this church.  They also have all age groups represented.  We found the website to be an accurate representation of this church.  They were friendly & excited.  But i kind of over looked doctrine.

I don't worship the Bible.  I worship God.  I believe the Bible is God's Word & his instructions to us & so much more.  But i don't worship the book.  I'd forgotten that some churches lean toward that.  

One thing amused Duane & i greatly.  This pastor said that he believes that this little church will be instrumental in a revival of this valley, because, "We are the only ones doing it right in following God."  Afraid i smirked, because he must have seen my face (there were about 20 people there) & he said, "If our visitors have a problem with that, i would gladly discuss it."

But the amusement i had (& Duane shared) was that a small part of the reason we aren't attending the Lutheran church much is that the pastor believes they are "doing it right" when (almost) no one else is.  The Lutheran pastor actually identified one other church in this area he felt was following the Lord.  We found it quite amusing that one of the (many) reasons we're church hopping should be part of this church's sermon.  We also know that essentially all the churches believe that they are the only ones "doing it right." 

I love the Lord, i seek to follow Jesus, & i (of course) like & am comfortable with my own belief system.  But what works for me may not work for you.  (I'm not talking about essentials to the faith here, but worship & service styles.)  I firmly believe that when we come before the Lord no one will have "had it all right." I think we're rather like the blind men & the elephant.

There were some things this pastor did that i appreciated.  When he was giving interpretation of a scripture he did often identify it as his opinion. There were other things as well, but my brain is beginning to fog over.

The Lenten devotions this week have been on the Transfiguration & the "mountain top" experience of Jesus, with Peter, James, & John.  People often talk of "mountain top" experiences with excitement, but i think they aren't always pleasant.  I had a friend who recently had severe altitude sickness while on a trip.  I wonder if it was pleasant for Peter, James, & John?  One of the scriptures indicates they were terrified.  I'm sure it was amazing, but not particularly comfortable.  

This has been rather a challenging week.  The migraine may be a mixture of sinus headache.  But it is there & has been for a while.  I have another "pseudo-cold" which means a latent virus i carry shows up when i'm stressed or have allergies & then i have cold symptoms (& almost always a really nasty cough) without being contagious.  

This sounds like it belongs on my "regular" blog, but there is a reason for the background.  

I'd hired someone to come help me make meals & do some clean up.  I spent quite a lot of $$ this week in anticipation of making a lot of food for us to freeze for the days when i've no energy.  Then i got sick.  

I would never have someone at my house if i thought i was contagious.  Or, on a rare occasion, i would work something out where i stayed away from them while they cooked.  Or i'd have them take the food & recipes & make it somewhere else, then bring it in (& probably pay much more).  But at least the food wouldn't spoil because i was too sick to manage.  When my help person heard i was sick, she chose not to come.  I can't blame her, but again, i wouldn't ask it if i thought i was contagious.  

So, we went into panic mode here as i tried to manage the food that i'd bought that won't last.  (Now that i've said that, the strawberries are probably toast.)  I wasn't thinking & i made the pot roast for Duane (i still cook meat for him sometimes; i'm not trying to force him to be vegetarian) on Friday.  He helped, & between us we got it in the crockpot & i went back to bed.

But that night he told me he thought it ironic that i served meat on a Friday in Lent.  Ok, i wasn't raised Catholic.  Even when i've attended a liturgical church, "rules of Lent" are not my focus.  He just laughed it off.  He isn't much on following the "rules" either.  Except, i get the feeling he'd be more comfortable with vegetarian or fish on a Friday.  I'll try to remember.


5

Day 2 of Lent

Day two!  

Duane was raised Roman Catholic, & his parents attend a local Catholic church.  But they will attend sometimes with us at either Lutheran or Anglican.

We all did imposition of ashes yesterday; Duane & i at the Anglican church, his mom & other relatives at the Catholic.  (An aunt & uncle & cousin & her husband are visiting.)


Today at lunch his mom asked at table, "Ok, what are the rules?  What do i have to give up for Lent?"  (There were donuts & desserts on the table from a previous day.)


I don't want to sound overly critical, but i don't like having "rules" imposed.  "Giving up" something for Lent is a form of self-denial & the idea is to replace what was "given up" with something that will help the person's spiritual path.  But i think that it should be a personal decision based on what will be effective for the person.  Or choosing not to do so.  I don't like this "these are the rules" idea.  (Someone posted the criticism on FB that the idea of a spiritual walk shouldn't be limited to a set few weeks in the spring.)  

I think, for some, that the "giving up of things" can be beneficial.  But i think, too, that it is too easy to fall into a group of rules that gives a superficial feeling of spirituality missing the deeper meaning.  


Just some random thoughts on this second day in the "Lent season."


Today's verses were on the Transfiguration.

4

Ash Wednesday

I've always had the concept of penitence being "payment."  So the idea of penitence to me had been that i was "paying" for my sin.  That, of course, flies in the face of what Jesus did for us.


However, in looking it up, i find that my previous concept is not correct.  Penance/penitence is repentance - the desire to be forgiven.  

I don't really get the concept of "giving up" things for Lent.  When i was a child, the folks i knew who did that seemed to portray that they were paying for their sin, for being human, & (since it was other children) that it was a burden imposed on them by their parents & the church.  (So church this AM at 6 felt like one of those payments to me!) 

I do understand the concept of seeking the face of God, to walk more closely with God, & to seek to please God.  (Well, there is a lot of debate about whether we can please God, but i won't get into that.)


For Lent, i just want to bring myself to do what i've not been able to do before - have a daily devotional.  It probably won't look like what others do for a devotional, but that's ok.  I want to seek the foot of the cross each day & to be reminded of what my Lord has done for me.

3

The Title

For some reason, this song has been bouncing around in my head for a while:

I LOOKED FOR LOVE

I looked for love in the red rose so small,
I looked for love in the green tree so tall;
But the red rose had its thorns,
And the green tree was a cross,
And my searching for love
Was a total loss.

I looked for love in a friendly face so true,
I looked for love in a creed I once knew;
But, my friend just called me "friend,"
And He said "I'm searching too"
And the creed only told me
What I couldn't do.

Then one day I heard the story
Of love like I'd never known,
How God gave His Son to save me
And wanted me for His own, His own, His very own

And now I know what it means to belong,
Not lost in a crowd,
Swept along by the throng:
But to Him who gave His life
Every longing to fulfill,
And I know that He loves me,
And He always will.

(The only credits i found for this were: by Second Destiny: Jim Curnow/Bill Himes etc. I think this means these are the folks who recorded this, not that they wrote it.)

I think that the reason this is in my head is because we had a discussion with our pastor about the creed recently. I'm not going to go into it because it is long, involved, & rather pointless. I can see both sides of the argument very clearly but i still have an emotional involvement. I don't think it is all that important in one sense, but in another it is. This issue & one other have only confirmed our decision to "church hop" for a while.

Being raised in very conservative, fundamentalist, evangelical protestant churches, i had never heard of a creed. The first time i ever heard it was at church camp when i was about 11. A bunch of counselors sang this song. I was totally ignorant of liturgical services (except a vague notion of the Catholic Church). I asked the girl sitting next to me what a "creed" was. I don't remember all that she said, except that her church used a creed & it wasn't a big deal. I think she tried to tell me more, but we got in trouble for talking.

I remember that fact with a lot of resentment. I was at an age where i had nothing but dislike & antipathy toward adults - all adults, essentially. There were a few who were kind to me & didn't push my buttons, but most were annoying & i actively avoided them. I also thought, at age 11, that i knew exactly what i was doing & didn't feel anyone had the right to tell me otherwise. In this instance particularly, i felt that it was a reasonable question & resented that i was just being told to shut up.

That song has never made much sense to me. Also the implication is that coming to God imparts a sense of belonging & no longer being alone. I didn't find that to be true.

But also as an adult now, someone who has known liturgical services & the creeds, i think the person who wrote this song was clueless about what a creed is. In the song it indicates a list of rules to live up to, which the writer "couldn't do." Obviously written by a person who was told that liturgical churches give folks a list of things they have to do to make it into heaven. Having come from that (evangelical) background it doesn't surprise me; i believe i heard sermons on why liturgical churches were wrong because we can't follow a list to get into heaven.

But that is NOT what the creeds are about. The Nicene Creed & Apostles' Creed are merely a statement of faith, of belief. "I believe in God, the father almighty, creator of heaven & earth . . . " Nothing at all about what i have to do, just a statement of belief.

When i met with my sis last week, we had a long discussion on faith & searching for God & living for Christ, etc. I stated that i have never "felt the presence of God" & for a long time it bothered me a lot. As a child it bothered me to the point of feeling i couldn't be "saved." Told Sis that i had come to believe that God's promises are true - no matter what i feel or don't feel.

She sent me this quote:

God’s presence and the sense of God’s presence are different. God is present. His sense of presence is a gift to be grateful for when it comes. C. S. Lewis in “Letters to an American Lady"

On another note, because church camp is on my mind - camp memories are not very pleasant for me. I frequently felt that i didn't belong anywhere. Most of the girls in my Sunday School ignored me. But at camp that year i felt, for a little while, that i did belong. We did things. They talked to me. It was a lovely week. So, at the end of that week when i had to return to "real life" - being in a very dysfunctional & unhappy home & being ignored at church (i had no illusions that the "friendship" with those girls would continue & it did not) i cried. A lot.

The counselor in my group recorded me. I said i was ignoring all adults at that time? I ignored the fact that she was one of my dad's students. (He taught undergrad & grad students at MSU.) She liked my dad. She thought it would be deliciously funny to play this recording of me crying because i had to go home - play it for my dad. The sense of betrayal & outrage at her behavior was overwhelming. I think it only affirmed my belief that adults were despicable & not to be trusted.

Other things happened at camp as well. My sisters didn't have great experiences there, but they remember the camp fondly. I've never really understood it. But then, i struggle with forgiveness. Burn me? I'm likely never again to go near the thing, person, or situation that burned me. Ever.


2

Jumping right in

I'm finding that many of my thoughts these days are of a “religious” nature. I am struggling in my relationship with God & how i relate to God in my life. It has reached the point where i feel i need a new blog to expand that because it is beyond the scope of my older blog which is just about “this 'n that” of our everyday lives. Not that my relationship with God is outside the scope of anything in my life, but that i want to expand on it further than i normally would in that blog. I'll write about the title of this blog at another time.

I've been reading a blog called Refine Us that focuses on the marriage of a Christian couple. They write on the mistakes they have made & what has worked to restore their relationship. One post recently was of the desperate feeling the husband had to help prevent others from making the same mistakes. Which i understand fully. But i also believe that sometimes in desperation we resort to things of witchcraft. I made that comment. The response was ??? & wondering if i had scripture to back that idea.

Which in turn made me back up & focus on it.

I have for a long time had a pretty broad definition of “witchcraft.” That is, i define witchcraft as any action we take to try to change or influence that which God has not given us the power, permission, or ability to effect. Weather is an easy example of that. (Although who tries to influence weather these days?)

But in my definition, i would term behaviors as witchcraft which are trying to influence others, especially against their will. That would include manipulation in an emotional or passive-aggressive manner. I suppose that could be taken too far: the mother who legitimately attempts to influence her children, etc. But there are really bad uses of this too. I guess by my own definition, even saying something like, "If you really loved me you would . . ." becomes witchcraft. Manipulative, yes, but a bit of a stretch for more.

So, the question might be, why do i see it this way?

Well, our culture is fascinated with control, with the "supernatural," with possessing powers that are not given us.

I honestly have no problem with these stories. I've watched a few of the programs. I see it starting long ago with Bewitched, I Dream of Jeannie, The Munsters, The Adams Family. It probably began far before that as well (old books & stuff & even older horror movies), but as far as TV viewing, this is where i see it starting.

I've watched a couple episodes of the tv show Charmed. My husband & i used to sometimes watch Supernatural. One theme i saw in both these shows was that they wanted to fight evil with their own strength & power (& i lost interest in the programs quickly because of this). On the program Supernatural the men were destroying demons on their own power, at one point angels from God showed up & they were about as evil as the demons, & one of the characters didn't actually believe in God (tho he definitely saw the demons & knew evil).

Frankly, i find this very interesting. "I'll fight evil. There is no God." ???

Guess it comes down to this: when we try to do things - even for a good reason & with good intentions - things that are outside our scope of ability - then i see that as a form of witchcraft.

I guess i see it as "witchcraft" because it is a form of trying to control. I believe that much of our fascination with different stories like Harry Potter is that we like to think about having that kind of control. I don't see the stories as a problem - they are fiction & imagination. But if someone believes that making a pact with the devil so that they can have that kind of power & control over other people, that is Evil. I think, that even with good intentions, it is easy to cross the line from trying to influence people to trying to control people. That is wrong, it is evil.

But i think Justin is correct in challenging my jump to feeling that what he was doing was akin to witchcraft.



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