Negativity

It is a big part of our culture not to be negative, not to complain, to focus on the positive.  There is much to be said about this, too.  Trent, at The Simple Dollar wrote a post recently on The Cost of Negativity & how he & a co-worker were able to turn a difficult situation around.  

To a large degree, we have a lot of choice in how we see things.  Is the glass half empty or half full?  Do we take lemons & make lemonade?  Yet, somehow in humans it is nature to see the dark, the "off," the errors.  If you look at a blank sheet of paper that has a small dark mark on it somewhere, the dark mark is what draws your attention.  So is human nature.  We tend to look at that & not at the rest that is good.

I read a study some years ago that said that depressed people have a more realistic outlook than folks who are not depressed.  Non-depressed people tended to color things more brightly than reality actually deserved.  Now, i'm not saying that we need to hold to harsh realism all the time.  I think an optimistic attitude & being hopeful is a very good thing.  I think it helps us get thru the dark times.

There is another side to this, however.  Too much focus on "the bright side of life" can make our sight dim.  (Sorry just had to throw that in.)  There are times when always looking for the positive blinds us to reality.  There are times we need to be realistic & not continually look for the best & the brightest, but face the situation as it actually is.  For more on that, check out Barbara Ehrenreich's  Bright-Sided:  How the Relentless Promotion of Positive Thinking has Undermined America.  It is not my intent to go into this too deeply, but just to say that "relentless promotion of positive thinking" can get in the way of grieving & is often unkind to push when someone is going thru a loss.

This was a bit of digression to give some backstory to what i have to say.  

I may be very close to being willing to walk away from our Lutheran church.  

I was advised to inform our pastor that we are visiting other churches.  I see the wisdom in this advice as the church currently seems to believe we are not attending due to my struggle with chronic fatigue.  That feels deceptive to me.  We have not acted on this advice, however.  There just seems to be no way to do this without being highly critical.  

I don't want to be critical, & yet i am.  We have worked very hard at not talking about our criticisms (not to "complain") to other members as we do not want to create problems & divisions in the church.  In talking it over, Duane & i feel we have worked very hard to see the glass as half full in this situation & have made a lot of explanations & excuses for the things that have been done.  

Dear friend Cindy suggested that we stick to the factual:  

I was very disturbed that pastor has said from the pulpit (& in private conversation) that none of the other churches  are "doing it right" & most no longer honor Jesus & many are removing the crosses from the churches.  Because this disturbed me, we decided to check it out & have found it not to be true.  

I discussed this at length with John on Thursday.  He agreed with Cindy's approach & suggested - very strongly suggested - that we stick to ONE point.  He said that 1.  we can't change our pastor or the situation  2.  going in with a "laundry list" of things bothering us will not be beneficial & 3.  using a "laundry list" will just make things messy.  

To the above suggested by Cindy, he recommended adding, "Yes i have health issues, but they are chronic & will not be resolved quickly.  There is more going on than just my health.  (Insert the above here.)  We need to be ecumenical & will be attending other churches."  Also he recommended to keep the conversation short.

That said, if the pastor pushes for more we can go into more detail if we wish.  Duane & i discussed this & decided that if we need it to be short then Duane alone should discuss this with the pastor.  Both of us together in a specially arranged visit with him would give it too much weight & too much importance. 

Because Duane was going to have this conversation, i passed up the perfect opportunity yesterday to say this.  Pastor walked me to my car when i left the rummage sale.  I should have said this then.  I'm not very good at coming up with things quickly, especially when i'm stressed or angry.  (I was quite angry.  Gave that story at my other blog.) I'm not good at handling conflict at all.  

Which made me realize i could take another approach with this conversation.

"I'm very bad at dealing with conflict.  I run from conflict when i can.  I have been struggling with & very conflicted over doctrine being taught here & we have been attending other churches."  

Of course, that could raise questions of what in the doctrine i don't like.  I'm not sure i could answer that.  As i've not attended other Lutheran churches (except an occasional visit here or there), i've no idea if what i'm struggling with is actual Lutheran doctrine, or our pastor's presentation of it.  I lean toward the latter.  Much as i like him, i don't like many of his opinions, especially when they are preached as if they are Biblical doctrine.

It has been interesting for me to discover thru this that Duane recognizes no church authority, & i'm rather the opposite.  

Catholic hierarchy places the deacons & priests above the people, the bishops above the priests, the arch bishops . . . etc.  Taken literally, the Catholics have taught for a long time that you can't get to Jesus directly, you need an intermediary, whether that is a priest, a saint, or Mary.  Those intermediaries are in authority of those seeking their help.  

Duane long ago rejected this when he was a child.  (I have told you Duane is highly intelligent, right?)  When he was in CCD or catechism classes or something, he saw the problems within the church teaching.  When he was not given adequate answers to his questions, he rejected the church authority over him.  He essentially said to himself, "I am a Catholic Christian but not Roman Catholic.  My only authority is Jesus himself.  I do not answer to any other authority."  I doubt he did this as literally as i'm outlining, but that was his thinking.  

The churches i was raised in had a pastor, deacons &/or elders, but little other authority (certainly nothing like a hierarchy with bishops, archbishops, & a pope).  Yet, somehow, when i am sitting in a service, i do feel i am "under the authority" of the person speaking, even if it is only for that hour.  Which means i can become very uncomfortable in a church service in a short time.  I've no idea where this view came from for me.  I think it has played a huge part in my discomfort in our current church as i have felt that the pastor's opinions have some authority that gives them more weight than the opinions of others. 

I think it would be much better if i could adopt Duane's philosophy, but it will be a struggle to change something so ingrained.  

Since i can't say it elsewhere, here i my laundry list of things that have bothered me & i need to keep to myself.  Some of these things are huge, others are not very important but simply irritating.  In no particular order:

The condemnation of other churches

Lack of charity with other churches

The belief that we can't know if we will really make it to heaven to be with God

The focus on the smallness, the wickedness of people rather than on the greatness of God

A rigidness about "upholding the doctrines" that excludes other people

Rigidity at the age a child can join the church & take communion

Great pride in being "Lutheran"

Excluding others in that pride

Much use of shaming & inability to differentiate between guilt & shame

Interruption of the liturgy in order to explain the history of the liturgy

Changing the liturgy to suit the wishes of the congregation

Just an overwhelming sense of negativity

The pastor starts programs that peter out within a short time (So far, since we began this church just over 3 years ago, the programs that have died off within a short time of starting:  Saturday evening service; Saturday Bible Studies; a youth drama class; an Aikido class; a book club; quarterly pot lucks; catechism classes for youth to join the church; children's Sunday school; VBS has been done but this pastor didn't want to do it; church newsletter) 

I'm sure there is more.  This is enough for me now.

To be fair, here is the list of the good we see in this church:

They truly love Jesus

They try to uphold the Bible as the Word of God

They are a loving church

They are a friendly church

They work to make people feel welcome

They are concerned about the needs & problems of the congregation

 

I have to ask myself, why don't these balance?   They should, i think.  Yet somehow i'm only seeing the splotch on the paper, instead of all that is on the rest of it that is beautiful.  I guess, for me, that these past 3 years have been some form of water torture.  I never know when that drop of water will fall on my head, & it is only a drop of water.  But this has happened often enough now that my head is soaked, i'm tired, & i don't want to do this any more. 

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