Watering

This is not a new or unique idea.  What is watered grows, what doesn't get water eventually dies.

I'm a very challenged gardener.  I frequently forget to water.  I have a number of dead plants in my kitchen, currently, and about 4 that are doing very well.  I also have an ivy plant in the bathroom that is doing quite well.  I water it twice a week when i take a shower.  


In my faith, my belief in God, i frequently have doubts.  A few months ago i probably would have said, "struggle with doubt," but the truth is, i have begun to embrace the doubt.  Tho i am sure there are Christians who do not doubt, it is hard for me to imagine a thinking person NOT having doubts.  The world is just so contradictory.  There are just too many questions.  Many of the "promises" that Christians claim are taken out of context or do not come true.  How can i not doubt the nature of a God that says so many of the weird and bizarre things in the Old Testament.  Even many of the things Jesus said are difficult to grasp.  


I read a number of different blogs, many of which are Christian or written by folks who are Christian.  A few are about struggling with, accepting, or fighting doubts.  One of these is O Me of Little Faith.  There is also a book by the same title.  I've spoken of it before.  I would like to write about it more extensively, but haven't gotten around to doing so.  


Now, i know in the eyes of some folks, including our former pastor, doubt would usher me straight into hell.  I don't believe that.  But this is a discussion for another time.


The fact is, i have faith, such as it is.  It doesn't look like the faith of an Evangelical or Fundamental Christian.  Those particular branches of Christianity espouse things and do things that make me very uncomfortable.  But i have faith all the same.  It gives me some comfort.  It is not the type of faith that will blow away all doubt.  I think my faith will have to co-exist with doubt indefinitely.  


However, it recently occurred to me that i can choose my focus.  If i spend too much time at blogs that espouse doubt, then that is where my thoughts will be.  Blogs that embrace doubt are not harmful, they can (for me) be very helpful.  But anything that dwells too much on seeking out more doubt, more negativity, will have too much effect on me in a negative manner.  There is lots of research literature in psychology stating what a strong effect our minds, thoughts, and beliefs have on our physical and mental well being.


(BTW, if i am already reading your blog, i'm not talking about dropping it!  I'm only speaking of not further seeking that which will make me doubt, scientific data, etc.)

The fact is, none of us know.  That is where faith comes in.   People can claim to know, but they are not able to provide any kind of proof that would stand up in scientific testing.  People can claim an experience, but that is not something reproducible, nor is it something that anyone else can experience with them.  


I find, for me, that having some kind of faith, even if it also embraces and accepts doubt, is comforting.  Certainly there are many scriptures in the Bible that encourage living in a way that will bring peace:  Love your neighbor, being a peacemaker, being meek, pure of heart, or merciful.  It seems to be these are only negatives in the way we sometimes translate (or preach about).  I think that living as a follower of Jesus is the way to have a life that is more about peace and caring about others and being less self-involved.  Luke 12:34  For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also. (Although, i recognize that if i lived in a place that persecuted Christians my faith would either have to grow to something more and become stronger, or die.)


Self-involvement is natural, of course, but when taken to an extreme it seems to be the root of most mental illness.  


Too much of the Bible is incomprehensible, too.  Except it does seem that Jesus is telling us that the fairness by which we measure is not very important to God.  Look at the parable of the workers in the vineyard (Matthew 20).  All i can do with something like this is to trust that the God who is so beyond me is a God who will care, even when things seem unfair to me.


When i focus too much on things that encourage severe doubt (which seems to go hand in hand with unhappiness for me), it does make sense to me to remember:  


1 Corinthians 1:25  For the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men.

And,  Proverbs 3:5-7  Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge him,and he will make straight your paths.  Be not wise in your own eyes;  fear the Lord, and turn away from evil.


While i am not stupid, i am not terribly smart, either.  I think accepting that there is much i don't understand, and choosing not to believe my own brain is the ultimate to make decisions and understand everything leaves me the room to believe and trust in God, even if he is incomprehensible to me.  I've a feeling that all my own "wisdom" is pretty foolish.


There are so many things in our culture, our churches, our nation, our world, our universe, which make little sense to me.  Trying to make sense of them makes it worse!  It is comforting to me to believe that even if God seems unfair, unjust, and just simply weird, a God who created us and sent his son to be our bridge to him probably is incomprehensible.  That is where my faith comes in.  I choose to believe that i can't understand because it is beyond me and that all the unfairness in our world will make sense in the next, if it is even important enough to think of there.  And if i'm wrong (about the next world), well, i won't know, will i?  Or, i'll deal with that when i have to.

For me, it doesn't hurt to focus on these verses:


Philippians 4:8  Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

I can choose which plant to water, doubt or faith.  I can choose to focus on positive rather than negative.  I've a feeling that when i water one, the other is getting some of that water, too.  But i think i want to focus on watering faith as much as possible, and accept that doubt grows there as well.  But i don't want to focus on what would make the doubt grow to the point it chokes out the faith i have.


(All these scriptures make it sound like i'm quite the Bible scholar, but it isn't true.  I don't actually do a lot of Bible reading, most of these i did a Google search, tho i did have the basics in my head to know what to search for.)



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Words

I've had this page open for forever.  A month or more.  I was trying to write about my current struggle, but the words just were not coming.  It is saved, perhaps i will use it at a later date.


Let me just say, i'm really having trouble with the concept of God in our world.  I'm coming to more strongly believe that "fairness" - at least the way as it is conceived by humans - is entirely a human construct not one from God.  At least, that is how it looks.  I think that our construct of "fair" is entirely foreign to God and not part of his nature at all.


Now, somehow i do think it is hardwired in us to be "fair" because even small children grasp and hold the idea.  If you give a couple of kids 4 years old each a piece of pie, but one piece is noticeably bigger, tell me that the one won't yell, "That's not FAIR!"  Probably even younger than 4.


Yet, over and over i see in the Bible that God does what he will, regardless of our concept of "fair."


That's all i've got to say about it right now.
_____________________________


We were at "the other" Lutheran Church this weekend.  We saw another couple from our original church, E and S, but i knew that they had not been attending there for a long, long time.  More than a year.  


These folks are actually neighbors of ours, about 3 houses away, but i never see them outside so i've never really approached them.  Their son T (who is about 15-16) walks thru the neighborhood and says hello to us when we are out.  


What i learned was this:  They went thru a family crisis a couple of years ago.  They weren't able to attend for a while because of this and no one from the church ever contacted them.  No one.  Not once. 


S and E were very hurt.  I feel very badly for them.  I also feel responsible to some degree of not trying to make more of an effort, although they don't see it that way.  We had only been attending for a short while when they stopped coming.  


But more.  T was going thru catechism with Pastor G.  G preached from the pulpit at least once "that you cannot be a Christian AND a vegetarian."  Yep, he said that.  I took him to task for it.  I was quite upset with this rigid view.  Of course, it is HIS view, but when he preaches he never says, "In my opinion . . . "  He preaches as if what he was saying (his opinion) is gospel. 


However, it has further consequences than my being upset.  The SON had just become vegetarian and heard G say this.  Evidently they discussed it and T chose not to continue with catechism and refused to attend there any longer.  His mama says he has gotten into paganism.


Now, i do believe that if that is where he wanted to go, if he was drawn to paganism, he probably would have ended up there.  But if nothing else, G gave him a push.  


And more, another couple that attended erratically, T and K, had issues as well.  I guess they were having some marital problems and T was seeking counsel from G.  At some point G told T that his marriage was over and he needed to divorce K.  K was quite put out with G over this and they stopped attending much at all.  (BTW, G is not the first pastor that i've heard of saying something like this.  It may even be good advice on a rare occasion, but i don't believe a pastor should ever be pushing a congregant in this direction!)


From my understanding, this was several years ago.  They are still married.  K is having some fairly severe medical problems.  I think they moved away.  What is hard for me to grasp is that they attended at all ever again!  If G had told Duane something like that, you can be sure i would never step foot in the church again.


And, i've a confession.  In both of these cases, i rather stood in judgment of these folks who rarely attended church.  I had no business doing this, and i knew it.  But i know that i still felt a bit smug and superior knowing i was in church weekly when they "couldn't be bothered" to make it.


I won't say this in my defense, for there is no excuse, but G encouraged such thought.  He often preached in church that "If we really loved the Lord . . . " the church would be filled, or we would be in those pews every week, or some such thing.  He frequently preached things that would encourage the congregation to feel superior to other folks, whether other members or other churches. 


This disturbed me a lot.  I didn't like it when he preached this.  I disagreed with it.  I saw it as manipulative.  It even made me feel guilty and (at that time anyway) we were there every week.  Why was i feeling condemned for something of which i was not guilty?  It was because of the manipulation.  It was when he began preaching such things that i began to be quite uncomfortable with that church.  (I took this up with G once, too.  About the manipulation and use of guilt.  He budged not at all on this issue.  His take was that if someone feels guilty about something of which he preaches, then the arrow hit the mark and they ARE guilty and need to repent.  Um, not so much, thank you.  I am NOT guilty on this point.)


This does not excuse my attitude at all.  I repent and ask forgiveness because even as i was doing this i knew it was wrong.  But (not "but" about my behavior, i am responsible), it wasn't clear to me that even tho i disagreed with G on this, my thought processes were lining up with his when i felt self righteous on issues of which i had no right to feel superior.  Speaking with these folks made it clear to me that i'd been offensively smug (privately, i never shared this even with Duane) when it was not justified and wrong for me to do so. 


I'm coming more and more to see how dangerous G's church has become.  And i continue to be sad about it, but i am healing.  Time and distance does help heal.


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