Words

I've had this page open for forever.  A month or more.  I was trying to write about my current struggle, but the words just were not coming.  It is saved, perhaps i will use it at a later date.


Let me just say, i'm really having trouble with the concept of God in our world.  I'm coming to more strongly believe that "fairness" - at least the way as it is conceived by humans - is entirely a human construct not one from God.  At least, that is how it looks.  I think that our construct of "fair" is entirely foreign to God and not part of his nature at all.


Now, somehow i do think it is hardwired in us to be "fair" because even small children grasp and hold the idea.  If you give a couple of kids 4 years old each a piece of pie, but one piece is noticeably bigger, tell me that the one won't yell, "That's not FAIR!"  Probably even younger than 4.


Yet, over and over i see in the Bible that God does what he will, regardless of our concept of "fair."


That's all i've got to say about it right now.
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We were at "the other" Lutheran Church this weekend.  We saw another couple from our original church, E and S, but i knew that they had not been attending there for a long, long time.  More than a year.  


These folks are actually neighbors of ours, about 3 houses away, but i never see them outside so i've never really approached them.  Their son T (who is about 15-16) walks thru the neighborhood and says hello to us when we are out.  


What i learned was this:  They went thru a family crisis a couple of years ago.  They weren't able to attend for a while because of this and no one from the church ever contacted them.  No one.  Not once. 


S and E were very hurt.  I feel very badly for them.  I also feel responsible to some degree of not trying to make more of an effort, although they don't see it that way.  We had only been attending for a short while when they stopped coming.  


But more.  T was going thru catechism with Pastor G.  G preached from the pulpit at least once "that you cannot be a Christian AND a vegetarian."  Yep, he said that.  I took him to task for it.  I was quite upset with this rigid view.  Of course, it is HIS view, but when he preaches he never says, "In my opinion . . . "  He preaches as if what he was saying (his opinion) is gospel. 


However, it has further consequences than my being upset.  The SON had just become vegetarian and heard G say this.  Evidently they discussed it and T chose not to continue with catechism and refused to attend there any longer.  His mama says he has gotten into paganism.


Now, i do believe that if that is where he wanted to go, if he was drawn to paganism, he probably would have ended up there.  But if nothing else, G gave him a push.  


And more, another couple that attended erratically, T and K, had issues as well.  I guess they were having some marital problems and T was seeking counsel from G.  At some point G told T that his marriage was over and he needed to divorce K.  K was quite put out with G over this and they stopped attending much at all.  (BTW, G is not the first pastor that i've heard of saying something like this.  It may even be good advice on a rare occasion, but i don't believe a pastor should ever be pushing a congregant in this direction!)


From my understanding, this was several years ago.  They are still married.  K is having some fairly severe medical problems.  I think they moved away.  What is hard for me to grasp is that they attended at all ever again!  If G had told Duane something like that, you can be sure i would never step foot in the church again.


And, i've a confession.  In both of these cases, i rather stood in judgment of these folks who rarely attended church.  I had no business doing this, and i knew it.  But i know that i still felt a bit smug and superior knowing i was in church weekly when they "couldn't be bothered" to make it.


I won't say this in my defense, for there is no excuse, but G encouraged such thought.  He often preached in church that "If we really loved the Lord . . . " the church would be filled, or we would be in those pews every week, or some such thing.  He frequently preached things that would encourage the congregation to feel superior to other folks, whether other members or other churches. 


This disturbed me a lot.  I didn't like it when he preached this.  I disagreed with it.  I saw it as manipulative.  It even made me feel guilty and (at that time anyway) we were there every week.  Why was i feeling condemned for something of which i was not guilty?  It was because of the manipulation.  It was when he began preaching such things that i began to be quite uncomfortable with that church.  (I took this up with G once, too.  About the manipulation and use of guilt.  He budged not at all on this issue.  His take was that if someone feels guilty about something of which he preaches, then the arrow hit the mark and they ARE guilty and need to repent.  Um, not so much, thank you.  I am NOT guilty on this point.)


This does not excuse my attitude at all.  I repent and ask forgiveness because even as i was doing this i knew it was wrong.  But (not "but" about my behavior, i am responsible), it wasn't clear to me that even tho i disagreed with G on this, my thought processes were lining up with his when i felt self righteous on issues of which i had no right to feel superior.  Speaking with these folks made it clear to me that i'd been offensively smug (privately, i never shared this even with Duane) when it was not justified and wrong for me to do so. 


I'm coming more and more to see how dangerous G's church has become.  And i continue to be sad about it, but i am healing.  Time and distance does help heal.


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