Title

By that i mean, I looked for love.


Recently i wrote of the death of my grandmother (on my main blog, This 'n That From on the Mountain).  I didn't write in great detail because i didn't want to be offensive, but i was honestly perplexed at much of what the family wrote.  In my experience, my grandmother did not have much "unconditional love."  She disapproved of the religion, actions, and choices of many of her family, and withheld approval and love arbitrarily.  She could be very harsh and judgmental.  

So many of the things i heard said of her confused me.  

But i was told that a cousin - who lived near her while growing up - spoke of that to my sister.  She said that yes, our grandmother was harsh and difficult.  But at home when their family spoke of it the response was, "Yes, Grandma is that way.  But that is how she is and we love her."  They accepted her, and loving her was a fact, not conditional on behaviors.

Let me say that i did not experience my grandmother as harsh when i was a child.  She was warm and loving.  We lived a long way from her from the time i was 8 years old, and when we visited, she made a big to-do about my sisters and myself.  It was not until i was a young adult and made choices of which she disapproved (i did not go to college right out of high school) that i experienced the judgement and harshness.  I was completely unprepared for her way of dealing with me and to a degree, heartbroken that she would be so hard.  


But i also did not live anywhere near her.  I had not lived in a day's driving distance since i was 8 years old, and i was never again to live in that part of the country.  So i saw her rarely, and after that visit i wasn't anxious to go back again. 


I wonder if it would have been different had my family stayed in the South instead of moving 2,000 miles away.  I'm not sure it would have, because saying, "That is how she is.  We love her anyway" was not the way my family did things.  Instead of saying, "that is how" someone else sees and deals with the world, my mother would spend hours agonizing over "what did i do?" and "why would someone respond to/treat me in such a manner?"


As an adult, i can see the limitations of this view.  While it taught me a degree of responsibility and saying, "What was my part in this?"  "Am i responsible for what just occurred?" it was not a balanced perspective.  A balanced perspective would have included something like, "Is that how this person responds to the world?  Did i initiate it, or is it something innate within them?"  My mother's viewpoint blamed herself (or me, or my sisters) for the behavior of others.  This created more pain in relationships than i think needs to be there, than there would be if our views had been a bit more balanced.


Still, i think part of the reason my cousins were able to carve out some relationship with our grandmother thru the years is because they were there.  It is hard to build a relationship with someone when you are not present to do that.


When someone has harmed me, i'm not sure it is a matter of forgiveness (tho that comes into it, of course) but that i never really trust them again.  I tend to back off.


For the past couple of weeks, the scripture readings have been on the Sermon on the Mount.  Last week Tim was talking about love, and how that we are told to do so - we don't have the option of picking and choosing.  I heard all of that, even tho i was trying to subdue an almost-4-year-old thru the sermon.  


And i was convicted.  I was holding my grandmother accountable - i was judging her for not having "unconditional love."  But the fact is, neither did i.  I essentially said that my love was conditional on her not hurting me or not being harsh.  


Now, that is natural, but it is not Christian.  Jesus told us to love our enemies and to do good to those who hate us.  THAT is what makes Christianity powerful.  Tim spoke of Christianity being watered down, but largely i think it is watered down because we do not have that love.  As Christians, many of us have fallen into the cultural trap of trying to shield ourselves from hurt or pain.  But we are not called to do that, we are called to trust (God) and to love.


I have long heard that "love is an action word" not just a feeling.  Sometimes it is hard for me to know how that is to play out.  But i know i'm a long way from that.  I don't know how much "action" i can take/do, but i can do something.  

I have been very aware that i am very lacking in love for others (and tend to be judgmental) and have been praying, praying, praying for more love.  I think it is time to stop praying and start doing.  (This reminds me of an anecdote in a book, i think was Christy by Catherine Marshall.  An old lady spoke of praying to forgive someone for a wrong they had done her.  Said she prayed for this for years until she finally decided simply to forgive.  Then she did.)

There are a couple of difficult folks in my life (relatives).  I've had a distant relationship with them and haven't known how to change that.  But i think simply reaching out is one key.  I'll probably try to send letters/cards, with no expectation of recriprocation.  In the past, if i reached out 3 or 4 times and got no response, i stopped.  I think it is time to let go of my ego, and simply work at loving, regardless of the outcome.  I think that even with folks who are not difficult for me, i need to do more to let them know i love them.  


This is not to say that i'm not still struggling with doubt/faith, and all the rest.  Sometimes the way i am and feel in church is simply cognitive dissonance.  Wednesdays i often attend an Anglican mass at noon.  This week, the simultaneous feelings of doubting whether there is a God and simply wanting to serve him was bizarre.  It isn't even ambivalent (which i tend to see as a neutral feeling).  It is simply weird.  But i HAVE decided that even if it is all bunk, the whole of Christianity is a myth, i desire to live a life that reflects the teachings and love of Christ.  It is my desire to live a life that reflects Christ as much as i am able.



I failed my grandmother.  That is gone, past, not to be undone now.  But i can learn from it and change the way i respond to people in the future.  
_________________________  


I am very much touched by this post at O Me of Little Faith.  This is the type of Christian i want to be, not what our culture perceives Christianity to be.


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Trust

Duane and i both like SciFi & some fantasy tv/movies.

 I've not watched Smallville from the beginning.  Shoot, i didn't even have a tv when that program began.  Essentially, i missed the high school years of the program.


This is the last season for the program to run.  We were watching an episode last night.


Background:  Chloe, a friend of Clark's and many of the other characters, disappeared a while back without giving her friends any explanation.  In this episode, she returns but her actions are confusing and it looks as if she is trying to harm her friends.  Her actions become more clear as the show progresses, but each of the friends has to make a decision whether or not they will trust her.  Clark really struggles with this.

I find this ironic (and the writers probably wrote it with this intention) because throughout the history of the program Clark has often done things without explanation to his friends, expecting them to trust him.


At the end of the program, Clark, realizing how much trust he has required from his friends over time, questions Chloe.  He asks how she was able to place so much trust in him.  (My recap of this here may not be exact, it went by quickly.)  At times Clark lied to his friends, believing they were safer not to know the truth in some cases.  Chloe often knew that Clark was lying.  He questions how she could trust him regardless, and her response was that she was often able to see thru the lies, knowing he cared for her (and others) and was trying to protect them.


She finishes by saying, "That is the essence of trust in a person, isn't it, that you don't require them to give an explanation?"

I've long been meaning to write about the last book in the Harry Potter series.  I recently re-read them.  (I know a lot of Christian folks reject these books due to their subject matter.  I have a lot to say on this, but that's a post for another day.)


Thru the books, one of Harry's mentors is Professor Dumbledore.  At times this mentor has asked things of Harry without explanation.  In one of the seven books, Harry has essentially no contact with his mentor, and when he tries to question him at times, Dumbledore ignores the attempt.  At the end of that book he explains to Harry that he felt that keeping a distance would protect Harry.  But of course, that raised a lot of resentment in Harry from the misunderstanding (of why this mentor would do such a thing).  

In the final book, after learning more of his mentor, the info Harry gleans seems to be really contradictory and some of the choices the mentor has made seems to hold little regard for Harry's own life, Harry himself has to make a decision.


Harry really wrestles with the situation.  And ultimately, he decides to follow the path he is on, the path set before him by his mentor, even tho much of it does not make sense to him.


Of course, i have much more to say on this, but i'm out of time for now.


Let's just say that my course is to explore this further.  Sara's faith makes much more sense to me now, because she trusts that God is good and faithful, even if she doesn't have an explanation for all that has happened to her.






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Happy New Year

I've been meaning to write for some time now, but it seems to me that marshaling my thoughts just doesn't come that easily.  


First off, i want to share two posts, both by Sara Frankl.  Believe.  She does.  This woman has incredible faith.  She places her life in God's hands each and every minute of the day.  She begins speaking of the parable in Matthew 20 about the workers who were all paid the same no matter how many hours they labored.  This is a parable that Duane and i have often discussed.


But what really hit me most in this post by Sara is where she says, "I'll have what she's having, please."  If anyone could be discontented, it is Sara.  But Sara spends her time reminding herself (thru her moment by moment pain) that she doesn't dictate to God and that God is good, all the time.  As always, i stand in awe of her faith.  Because i frequently want to say, "I'll have what she's having, please."  (She writes this much more clearly than i'm saying here.)


The second, also by Sara, is Praise.  Frankly, i struggle with the idea that God is good, all the time.  


My word for 2011 is Acceptance.   I'm making some headway with this.  I re-read some posts from This 'n That from on the Mountain from December 2009.  I was really struggling with bitterness and resentment.  I didn't say a lot about it, but enough that i remember how consumed i was with bitterness.  I had been so sure that if we just were patient enough, God would give us our deepest desire of having a family.

This year was not like that, i was not consumed with bitterness.  I don't think it will ever be easy for me to think, "Our Kaylee would be  _  years old now."  I don't think i will ever have an easy time hearing of all the new babies due for the coming year.  (Three i'm aware of so far.)  This year was a bit more peace about this.  It may have helped that we did have children as part of the holiday (Nina's kids).  I'm thankful that that grip of harsh, hateful bitterness has relaxed. 

Another thing that may change this year is that we are likely to become regular attenders at the Lutheran (Spirit of Peace) church.  This surprises me a bit as i didn't want to settle into one church.  But we feel most at home there, i think.  Although, there is some possibility that this SoP church might join in with a Presbyterian church in the area.  That would be different.


This part may be a bit controversial.  I have a very hard time with many Christian phrases.  One that is being used currently by several bloggers i read is, "Less of me, more of Him," (or is it "More of Him, less of me"?).  I think that there are some preconceptions in my background that make me respond negatively to this idea.


There is a Doctor Who episode where a nasty villain called The Master turned all the people on Earth into replicas of himself.  It is hard for me to see that when Christians talk about "less of me" that they are not trying to do something similar, only, of course Jesus being the one replicated.  It feels evil to me.


The image i have of us having "less of self, more of Christ" is like having a big, big white puzzle, with every piece identical.  


Again.  I see this as evil.


I believe that it is Satan's doing that we feel we cannot have personality or individuality and reflect Jesus well.  (Now, i recognize that the folks who use this phrase are almost certainly not having the idea that we should be identical.)  We are created so uniquely and so differently.  I cannot believe that God desires us to wash away all individuality in order to be a Christian.  Rather, i believe that God would use us uniquely, our individuality, our gifts.


It may very well be that some of us can reach other folks better with our flaws and foibles than a perfect Jesus replica would be able to.  


In contrast to that perfectly white puzzle with each piece identical to all the others, i see God's creation - including his children - as a riot of colors, textures, sizes, and gifts.  To be more like Christ, to me, is to become more of the individual person he created me to be.  I do not desire to be more selfish, of course, but "less of me" is a concept that is difficult to grasp.  What part of myself am i suppose to discard?


While i am perfectly aware that most Christians do not have my conception of this phrase, it is often implied in churches.  


The truth, i believe, is balanced somewhere between my extreme view of this phrase, and the view of a radically right-wing church.  


It disturbs me that i wonder if i'm able to reject this idea and still be a Christian.  Am i denying Jesus in wanting to retain my individuality?





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