Our dear friend JT was here for a while yesterday. He lives a couple of hours away. He came up to help Duane take down the tree that is half gone & needs to come down. They didn't do it, they decided they need equipment (rented) like a lift to work the top of the tree separately. Without that, there would be a good chance that taking down the tree would also take down our front upstairs deck.
So we got to visit.
He was raised Catholic (like Duane) & his wife Protestant (like me). They have been searching for a church. He feels drawn back toward the Catholic church, but is having real issues with it. He spoke to the priest in the parish where they live. He would have so much to have to do before he could return to the Catholic church. His wife had been married before & so she would have to go thru annulment on her previous marriage & they would have to be remarried in the Catholic church. The priest told JT that he would "confess him" but "Only face to face. I have to see your eyes to be sure you are sincere" ! ! !
His wife is confused by the veneration of Mary & praying to the saints.
It seems to me that it is human tendency - & this comes thru so clearly in churches - that we say "This is good" or that or this or whatever, & we slap a coat of varnish on it & call it done. But that is NOT how life is, nor do i believe it to be what God intends for the Christian life to be.
If we have a truly living faith we can't slap varnish on it, or allow it to become petrified, & claim, "This is what God wants of me in my life." Or worse, "This is what God wants of all Christians."
This is not an exact analogy, but think of a tree & the way it grows. It is not usually symmetrical. It is influenced by the availability of water, & how the wind blows. Now, we can make all the trees look alike. Southern California especially is well known for extreme pruning. Often a tree is difficult if not impossible to distinguish the species from the shape of it because the pruning causes it to look nothing like a naturally-grown tree. I do believe that God does allow for some pruning in our lives. But if we followed the pruning of man (the church), we would all be identical, perfectly symmetrical, show trees. I do not believe that is what God would call us to be.
It is stated in the Bible that we are all different members of the body with different jobs to do. But sometimes i think that the different churches are all trying to force us into a mold where we will be identical members.
The Catholic church has a long, long history (& much of it very ugly) & what has happened over time, i think, is that the different things they have "added" have become petrified.
I had a piece of petrified wood as a child. Wood turned to stone thru mineralization. It was fascinating. But even if it had still been part of the tree, it was no longer living. I think that often the church is in danger of falling prey to this.
Paul, in his first letter to the Corinthians that he wished the unmarried to remain so, but he did not command it. But by the 4th century, the Church made it a requirement that ordained priests be single. They took what Paul suggested & petrified it into law. By doing so, they condemned some people. Some people may have felt that they were called to priesthood, but not to celibacy. To require this of them meant that they had to force themselves into a mold that God had not required.
The Catholic church has done the same with dogmas of Mary & of the transubstantiation (bread & wine becoming body & blood). What is more, because of the belief around this second dogma, for many years the laity did not receive wine in communion. I've heard two reasons for this: One, wine may have been difficult to obtain in some climates. Two, there was the fear that the laity would spill the "holy blood of Christ." This largely is changed again, & most communicants receive both bread & wine. But if the reason was the second one, again, man has petrified something & made it so "holy" that it i out of reach for the majority of folks.
Now, i'm picking on the Catholic church here, largely because these examples are easy for me to lay out & because that church has the longest history. But essentially all denominational churches have done something similar. When they state, "These are the important things to us" they are in a sense petrifying their stance. This isn't all bad. It is good to say, "This is what i believe."
But there are other churches that take this elsewhere. The Southern Baptist convention, when i was in college (about 1992?) split because there was a branch of the church that was putting much emphasis on what would be a social gospel - that of trying to help people eat & have shelter. The staunchly conservative part of the church wasn't concerned about this - they felt the $$ should go toward more missionaries & building programs. (This, i am sure is a very biased & simplified version of that split.) But what really hit me when i was reading about this at the time, was that soon after that split the Southern Baptist convention was in danger of having another split, this time over the ratifying that a Southern Baptist had to believe in a 24 hour day, 7 day creation. Legalism. Rigidity. No room left for any question or doubt. No room left for humanity.
It seems to me that the Council of Nicaea did all this work for us in 325 with the Nicene Creed:
We believe in one God, the Father, the Almighty, maker of heaven and earth, of all that is, seen and unseen.
We believe in one Lord, Jesus Christ, the only Son of God, eternally begotten of the Father,
God from God, Light from Light, true God from true God, begotten, not made, of one Being with the Father.
Through him all things were made.
For us and for our salvation he came down from heaven,
by the power of the Holy Spirit he became incarnate from the Virgin Mary, and was made man.
For our sake he was crucified under Pontius Pilate; he suffered death and was buried.
On the third day he rose again in accordance with the Scriptures; he ascended into heaven and is seated at the right hand of the Father.
He will come again in glory to judge the living and the dead, and his kingdom will have no end.
We believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord, the giver of life, who proceeds from the Father and the Son.
With the Father and the Son he is worshiped and glorified. He has spoken through the Prophets.
We believe in one holy catholic and apostolic Church.
We acknowledge one baptism for the forgiveness of sins.
We look for the resurrection of the dead, and the life of the world to come.
Amen.
I guess i will never understand why we need a doctrine beyond this. Many doctrines revolve around things like what will happen, exactly, in "the End Times" & did Noah really take 2 of each of the animals on the Ark, & is Mary sinless (so that she would be an appropriate vessel to mother our Lord).
My question, does it really matter? Won't God work this out to his glory & we will know what we need to know in his presence? Why should we fight about it now?
Much is being said currently about Anne Rice distancing herself from Christianity. I often would like to do that myself. There is so much done in the name of Christ which i truly dislike. I'm very much outside of what is called "Christian culture" & i didn't actually know that Anne Rice had professed Christianity until this began hitting the blogs. All i knew was that she'd written vampire books that i've never read.
. . . So as much as I’d like to follow Anne and quit Christianity, while conveniently retaining my faith, I can’t. (And really, neither can Anne.) Christ died for people who annoy the living hell out of me, and it does me no good to dwell on how much some people annoy me. Christ even died for people who would use him for personal gain, and I have nothing to say about it. I hate saying that. But I don’t get to say who Jesus has saved, and I don’t get to stop calling myself a Christian. . . Really, almost all of the pastors and Christians who irritate me are the ones getting all the attention. They are the ones teaching false gospels and protesting funerals, and generally being hateful, and maybe they represent an incredibly small minority of us, and it just gets blown up bigger than it is. I think I’m annoyed the most at Christians because my faith is the most important thing in my life. If it takes such a small number to create the problem, maybe there’s enough of us, the other Christians, to be the solution. . .
More is written there, but this is the part i really like & that convicted me. Much as i'd like to walk away from the title "Christian" it isn't an option. He also said in this post, somewhere, that the term "Christian" was a pejorative when it first began to be used. It still is, of course, but i tend to think that we've changed the reason it is an insult, & not for the better.
He also wrote the post, "Christians of a Dying Breed" that was good & started much interesting debate in the comments.
I'm not promoting this last one. I'm afraid to say i had hoped better things of it. Maybe i'm missing something, but it seemed to be a very shallow rendering of why some people are no longer part of a church. There are reasons, good reasons, serious reasons why even older Christians no longer feel the church to be filling a need or even being relevant to their lives. We are struggling with some of those very reasons.
I do feel that for me the answer is to no longer look to fill my needs so much as to find a place where i can work. Frankly, i've lived much of my life in depression & depression is little more than looking inward. God has healed so much of that & i believe it is time for me to look outward & try to do more. Have been working on that for a few years now. However, that is something i find difficult & it rather backfired on us at the Lutheran church for the whole reason we joined that church was so that we could serve.
Bitterness? How can i be struggling with bitterness just a few days after experiencing such joy & passion? Lord knows, i must just be seriously twisted.
I "freaked" out about an expense today - Highly Stressed. It zapped every molecule of energy within me.
But what i've really been struggling over is the coming Sunday. Is it ok if i just stay in bed & cry all day? I did contemplate going to the Catholic Church, where much will be said of the veneration of the Holy Mother, but much more will be said as well.
I want to post about all this, & hardly anyone is reading either blog, but i'm afraid of the whinging & whining. I'm tired of listening to myself feel sorry for myself. I don't want to live a life where each year on this one day i have to hide away. I know i'm not alone in this feeling, but it does seem the possibility that Mother's Day was created just to make some of us feel incredibly inferior & deeply depressed.
EJ just posted that she got to hear the baby's (well she said "babies") heartbeat. That simply crushes me. This year it is even more clear than ever that this will NEVER come to us. Duane is hurt & disappointed, but philosophical.
Me? Bitter. Life seems to be incredibly cruel. God seems inept. The people who parrot about "God's perfect plan" dense. The "promises" in the scriptures simply daft.
I could go on, so much has been bouncing around in my head. But, to what purpose?
I may feel bitter, but this bitterness has more to do with expectations than anything else. Too many people go on about "God's perfect plan" & the promises of scripture, & having "enough faith" & so much more.
I think they take many of those verses out of context. However, Jesus said, "My yoke is easy & my burden is light." I must be doing something wrong, for i don't find it to be so!
Never-the-less, what i HAVE to hang on to is that God is good. I may not understand all of this, & i may never be satisfied about this. But above all, i do believe that God is good. I strain to believe that, sometimes. I look at all the injustice, unfairness, & grievances, not just in my life but in the world in general. Life is so often a paradox, ironic, incongruent, illogical. It just doesn't make sense! It just isn't fair!
I believe that life is just a bundle of events, circumstances, & other weird occurrences. Some are directly related to my own choices, good & bad. Sometimes i'm effected by the choices of others, good or bad. Often i have no say or control over any of this. The promise is that God will take that bundle & weave it into something which will be beautiful & glorify him.
I think i have it hard. Yep. I do. I think many of us, most of us, all of us have things with which we struggle. It usually feels unfair. But God requires some give their very lives. People go to their deaths for being Christian. So whinging about not having the "perfect life i planned, with a wonderful career & 2.1 children" is just smack.
This is what it is. This is what we have.
I don't believe in "God's perfect plan." I do believe that somehow, all this mess, all the weird & bizarre things happening, all the senseless & ugly things, will come together & glorify God. I don't understand how or why. I don't need to. I don't run the world. Obviously i would not run it this way. But God doesn't account to me.
I've been writing about our search for a church where we can be comfortable. I've really struggled with our Lutheran church. Our pastor, without a doubt, loves Jesus very much. He also is a passionate man & speaks with much ardor. He also speaks with authority. An authority i often feel is not warranted. He also has a history of depression, & i think i have mentioned that because of my own background, i hear his depression screaming, even screeching, in many of his sermons. I don't think most other people hear that, but because i am "sensitive" to it, it comes thru very clearly for me. I have believed this to be a "function of me" - my problem & not in general a problem with the church itself. Still, i've known it to be a problem with which i grapple for a long time.
Because of my history (depression & a worse psych diagnosis), i've worked with a therapist (John) for a long time. I now only see him about once a month; he helps me stay "balanced." Our belief systems don't match. We agree on some things, on other things we do not. He is Unitarian. I know some Christian folks feel a Christian should only see a Christian counselor, but this has worked very well for me. (Due to the severity of my previous diagnosis, there were very few Christian counselors qualified to work with me.) However, some time ago i said to John about the Lutheran pastor: "I wouldn't trust him for counseling. If i had a spiritual issue for which i sought direction, i would not go to him. I'd be more likely to discuss it with you."
John's response was, "That is a problem." Because he knows that we don't share beliefs, he could not direct me on these issues.
He is right, of course. I've just not known what to do.
I was raised in an unloving home & an unhealthy church. I learned early that being excited about something at home or church was not safe. Still, at school & with friends i was an exuberant child until i was about 12. At that time due to some circumstances with friends & with a teacher, i learned that it just wasn't safe to be excited about anything & share it. If i had been able to feel safe at church or home OR with friends or at school, i think i would have been ok. But having no safe place anywhere, i gave up. I learned to stuff any joy or delight into the cellar & stand on the trap door!
Interesting, it is about that time i began to have problems with chronic fatigue, too.
The last time i remember ever letting myself be really excited about something was when i was 21. I think i've mentioned it elsewhere & the details aren't very important, but that balloon was popped & i never let myself have (show) any kind of passion again. I think i stuffed myself into a straight-jacket & have lived in it ever since.
It had to be a straight-jacket because if i had energy i didn't know what to do with it (except hurt myself) & i would make myself lie perfectly still. I mean this literally. I was afraid to use any energy i had because my world view was so negative. My mantra was "Don't make it worse. Don't make it worse." I was often suicidal although i feared standing before God & saying, "You weren't enough for me." I was afraid anything i would do would make the situation worse (like hurting myself & becoming paraplegic or something). My thoughts & energy was so very negative. I tried to be positive & put a funny spin on my life. I could do it most of the time. I did often give thanks to God for my blessings & the good in my life. Yet i was still so very empty & i often wondered why my life was so barren.
The chronic fatigue has been very, very bad in the past 3 years. I see my ability to do many things slipping away. I've had to give up life dreams. I've had to face that i'm no longer able to do cooking/housework & have had to hire someone to come in. I've never been very good at those things, but to admit that i can't do them has been very hard. When i finally took the step, when i finally admitted that i was failing at my tasks & couldn't do them & then found someone who said she could help me, i was excited. For the first time since i was 21 i was really excited. When it didn't work out, my balloon was popped again. After all those years, nothing but a popped balloon & wasted passion. Passion doesn't feel very safe to me.
I saw myself being stuffed back into that straight jacket. It isn't safe to get excited.
I've long had a relationship with God that is very intellectual but not very emotional. I usually feel empty inside & know that as a Christian that is not "suppose to be so," but i've not known how to change it. The negativity at the Lutheran church has been getting to me.
Yesterday i attended Community Church by the Lake & Saturday night i listened to some of their podcasts. This pastor (his name is Don) has a different approach. Not so negative. Listening to the podcast, i thought, "This is someone i could go to to seek spiritual advice, if i needed it. This is someone i could trust." It is not that he is "soft on sin" as some churches accuse others of being. He knows that we sin & need Jesus, but his focus is on the greatness of God not on our smallness. It makes so much difference! One of the things he said, in talking of the failures of the Children of Israel, was that they lacked passion & wanted to be passive.
That caught my interest at the time, but last night in reviewing it, it really came clear to me that i've kept myself straight-jacketed & not let God work in me.
Suddenly, as if just realizing that i've closed my life to the passion for life, the realization opened the flood gates. I was filled with passion! If i had the energy, i'd have been dancing thru the house. It felt wonderful! (And now, it feels kind of scary & unsafe, but i don't care, i'll embrace it.)
Another thing Don said on one of the podcasts (the recent sermons have been on Israel's flight from Egypt, their sin, & the 40 years in the wilderness) was that the Children of Israel didn't trust God & complained. They believed - most of them - that God brought them into the wilderness to destroy them. They did not see that God wanted good things for them. Don said, "If you believe God is out to get you, to trip you up, to do harm to you, you're in a very bad place. God is the GOOD guy, & if you have come to see him as the bad guy, where do you go from there?"
It is true. In our quest for a child, my depression - often extreme depression - & difficulty in seeing a future for us, i have often thought that God is the bad guy, out to trip me up & screw with my head. I've tried NOT to think those things. I thank God every day for our many blessings. I talk to him frequently, even if it is just to be honest & say that i don't trust him much. But those things, even the thanksgiving, have been so empty. I've been wanting to die for a while now. I'm not suicidal. But i've seen no value in my life. I feel worthless with my lack of energy & inability to do anything. I don't want to leave my husband (die), i think it would hurt him, but i can't feel that i'm a helpmeet, or a benefit, or anything of good. I've not placed any value on my life for a long, long time. I remember at 16 telling my mother that if i was lucky i wouldn't live to be 20. (I was punished for that.)
I'm so excited, so passionate, to thankful to God for coming & filling me, i think i would burst if i didn't share it. I've so long wanted to die & my spiritual life was intellectual only. It felt too scary to embrace & love life.
I don't know where this will go. I would like to think that now i'll recover my energy (& i will have to learn discipline in how to use it if i do) & maybe even have children. But that may very likely not happen. It doesn't matter. I now can see that i do have value, even if i am bed-fast most of the time. Duane & i have a future (i'm not saying our marriage was bad, just that i couldn't see a future or a reason for a future without children) & i can believe, trust, have faith that God has good for us in store, even if it is not what my desires would give me.
What is also interesting, i don't think we will attend that church, tho i could be wrong. I think i will listen to the podcasts. I think with this passion i probably can attend the Lutheran church & not be discouraged. You see, i can now very clearly see that the problem there is not just a product of me. What he is preaching is bondage - the negativity, the criticism of other churches & their forms of faith & worship, the focus on our sins & foibles, all of it - it is bondage. God wants us to know his freedom. I'm not sure that ultimately we won't end up leaving, but for now my passion is for that bondage to be broken, to still attend that Lutheran church, knowing the freedom that is ours in Christ. (I love the liturgy. It helped me begin healing long ago & i would miss it greatly if we didn't go to a liturgical church any more.)
It was exciting to share this with Duane this AM. (Last night he shared all his fun from the SAR weekend with me, & then fell asleep as he was exhausted.) I think our lives will be deeper, richer. I'm using the same words to thank God & talk to him, but the emptiness is gone.
I know that the emptiness may return, some. This high of excitement is not really sustainable as life's realities creep in. However, just being open to having a passion for living & for being part of God's kingdom is likely to prevent the staleness, the stark emptiness from returning to that dead level.
I think "it must be working" somehow. The desire to get closer to God & to follow what Jesus desires for us.
Why do i think so? I'm pretty depressed & find that all i want to do is crawl in bed & pull the covers over my head. This tells me i'm getting some pretty strong opposition to where i'm trying to go. Hooray! It is working! I'm depressed!
