Yesterday Eva & i attended a Bible study at a local church that has a big youth group. They served pizza, salad, & cake for dinner before the service.
I'm not very impressed with this church. I'm acquainted with one lady who attends there & she loves it & is very passionate about it. But i didn't find it the "friendly family" she describes. (Of course, two visits are not really enough to judge that.) The kids did take Eva into their group, eventually. Because she's so quiet, i have no idea if it was a good thing or a bad thing. She simply says "It was okay."
A couple of the churches Duane & i have visited have essentially left strangers strictly alone. This one is friendly during the greeting time (a couple of churches we attended weren't friendly even then), but largely this church seemed to be rather closed. I started to use the word "insular" until i looked up the meaning (thinking it meant "closed" or "reserved" or maybe even a bit "unfriendly"). But part of the meaning is "bigoted," "narrow," or "petty." I don't mean that.
Duane didn't like this church from the get go. I'm not quite sure why, because it doesn't seem to me to be all that different from several others we've attended.
But i will say, tho i'm going to sound very critical, i'm finding some of these churches don't seem to be much more than Christian clubs. These folks seem to be very glad to be there with the people they know & love & enjoy the time together & they do study the Word of God. However, because they are so comfortable with their setting, they do seem to be rather closed to new folk.
Now, i'm sure that if we began to attend there regularly these folks would open that circle, we'd be included & they'd be happy to use whatever we bring to the table. But then we'd be part of that inner, closed circle. Somehow, that's just not where i want to be & part of me thinks that it isn't enough. I don't want to be part of some "Christian club" where my life revolves around the church & my church friends & little else. To me being a Christian is much more than that. Again, it will sound like i'm criticizing these folks. That really is not my intent. I don't know them well enough. They do seem to be passionate about God. They are having a tent revival next week. (That alone makes me nervous, personally. Revivals have not been a positive thing in my life.)
I feel like i'm stumbling around trying to find words for a feeling i can't quite explain.
I guess it seems to me that being a Christian is more than going to Cheers where "everybody knows your name." I don't know how else to say it. On the other hand, that is a basic, human need.
In his talk yesterday, the Bible study leader touched on Romans 8:1 "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus . . . " Again, my heart aches for G, who i believe doesn't understand this. It seems to me that G chooses to live in pain & sorrow when he can't embrace this. I wonder if i'm just being stubborn. I wonder if it is something wrong with me that i can't walk away from that church. I wonder if the pain i feel when thinking about them is something broken in me, or simply me being broken for them. (In other words, am i being dysfunctional & stubborn in regard to them, or am i honestly, sincerely concerned for them?) I don't have an answer to that for i don't know. Part of me wants to keep banging my head against that wall, trying to break thru.
However, from all that i've learned of Lutheran (Missouri Synod) doctrine since leaving that church, the over-use of shame & guilt (& lack of understanding that there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus) seems to be a hallmark of many of the churches belonging to this particular branch. It also seems to be that those who are attempting to break away from that pattern are being accused of being "soft on sin" & unscriptural.
We have had no word from that church now, 1 month later. It seems Duane is right & they are not going to answer our questions.
I'm finding that i'm really pulling away from wanting to join another church, or even attend one regularly. I'm much more into the "church hopping" than before. I don't even want to be at the same place more than once or twice a month. The idea of joining another church is unthinkable, at this time.
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This is completely off topic.
Anyone who has been reading my blogs for any length of time knows that it has been my deep, deep desire to be a mama. From the time i was a small child myself i wanted to be a mama. It seems to be part of the very core of who i am. I began caring for other folks' children when i was 12, & was a nanny for a while when i was a teen. I desperately wanted my "nanny baby" to be my own. I loved that child with all my heart, & wanted children of my own as well.
It seems to me to be a cruel thing that this isn't going to happen for us. I could go off on that theme for a long time. It also seems very cruel to me that my sister Larkin, who didn't even like children when we were younger, was blessed with six children. Everyone talks about how she loves babies so much & "can't get enough of them." I.can.not.even.begin.to.use.words.that.describe.the.depths.of.pain.this.is.for.me. It is almost as if she has robbed me of my own personality. (Yes, i know this is sick & selfish. Part of it goes back to childhood issues i've addressed elsewhere. I can only say that the way i was raised, if someone one in our family had a talent or emotion, only ONE person was allowed to have it. Too difficult to try to explain more without many more paragraphs.)
I didn't mean to digress here. I guess the issue is more of my awareness right now with Eva here, tho i've felt that way before in conversation with Elsa.
But my point is something different.
It often has been that i see a child on a blog or when i'm out shopping, & i think, "Kaylee would be that age." Or, "That girl is about six months younger/older than Kaylee would be."
But recently, this has changed a little. I occasionally see disabled children with their parents, & think, "That could be my child."
Now, please, please know that i'm not being critical of handicapped folks. I know that we would have loved our daughter however she was presented to us. I'm not in any way saying that disabled children are less lovable or anything of the sort. My point, however, is that i know that at my current functioning, i'd struggle to care for a child with "normal" energy/functioning/skills. To have a special needs child would completely overwhelm us & i don't know how we would manage it.
I "KNOW" all these things. But it doesn't, not in any way, not for one moment, "fix" the desire for a child which is that deep, deep part of me, my personality, my life. This seems to be a dissonance, a conflict, which is unresolvable.
Bitterness? How can i be struggling with bitterness just a few days after experiencing such joy & passion? Lord knows, i must just be seriously twisted.
I "freaked" out about an expense today - Highly Stressed. It zapped every molecule of energy within me.
But what i've really been struggling over is the coming Sunday. Is it ok if i just stay in bed & cry all day? I did contemplate going to the Catholic Church, where much will be said of the veneration of the Holy Mother, but much more will be said as well.
I want to post about all this, & hardly anyone is reading either blog, but i'm afraid of the whinging & whining. I'm tired of listening to myself feel sorry for myself. I don't want to live a life where each year on this one day i have to hide away. I know i'm not alone in this feeling, but it does seem the possibility that Mother's Day was created just to make some of us feel incredibly inferior & deeply depressed.
EJ just posted that she got to hear the baby's (well she said "babies") heartbeat. That simply crushes me. This year it is even more clear than ever that this will NEVER come to us. Duane is hurt & disappointed, but philosophical.
Me? Bitter. Life seems to be incredibly cruel. God seems inept. The people who parrot about "God's perfect plan" dense. The "promises" in the scriptures simply daft.
I could go on, so much has been bouncing around in my head. But, to what purpose?
I may feel bitter, but this bitterness has more to do with expectations than anything else. Too many people go on about "God's perfect plan" & the promises of scripture, & having "enough faith" & so much more.
I think they take many of those verses out of context. However, Jesus said, "My yoke is easy & my burden is light." I must be doing something wrong, for i don't find it to be so!
Never-the-less, what i HAVE to hang on to is that God is good. I may not understand all of this, & i may never be satisfied about this. But above all, i do believe that God is good. I strain to believe that, sometimes. I look at all the injustice, unfairness, & grievances, not just in my life but in the world in general. Life is so often a paradox, ironic, incongruent, illogical. It just doesn't make sense! It just isn't fair!
I believe that life is just a bundle of events, circumstances, & other weird occurrences. Some are directly related to my own choices, good & bad. Sometimes i'm effected by the choices of others, good or bad. Often i have no say or control over any of this. The promise is that God will take that bundle & weave it into something which will be beautiful & glorify him.
I think i have it hard. Yep. I do. I think many of us, most of us, all of us have things with which we struggle. It usually feels unfair. But God requires some give their very lives. People go to their deaths for being Christian. So whinging about not having the "perfect life i planned, with a wonderful career & 2.1 children" is just smack.
This is what it is. This is what we have.
I don't believe in "God's perfect plan." I do believe that somehow, all this mess, all the weird & bizarre things happening, all the senseless & ugly things, will come together & glorify God. I don't understand how or why. I don't need to. I don't run the world. Obviously i would not run it this way. But God doesn't account to me.
