The church folks that talk about life of abundance (as in the "American Dream" type) that can be obtained by positive thinking have mixed "The Secret" with the Gospel. This results in a prosperity gospel that has little resemblance to the Gospel preached by Jesus.
I do not accept this for myself. I've had folks tell me that because of chronic illness by which i'm limited i'm not praying the right way, or not "tapping into" the power that is promised me, or i'm not reading the scripture enough, or . . . something i'm doing is wrong. I am hurt by this, of course, but i reject the thinking behind this. God does not promise me anything here except he is sufficient for me, & that in my weakness he is strong, & that all things will ultimately work together for his glory.
Amrita, of Yesu Garden, posted on Chundra Lela, a saint of India. Part of the story Amrita shared is:
After the seven years she spent visiting these holy places, Chundra was still not at peace . . . She said, "I felt that for all the outlay of money and time and for all my sufferings I had found nothing soul-satisfying. No knowledge of myself, nor yet of God for a vision of whom I had been willing to endure so much." . . . One day she prayed ,"O Jesus if thou art the true God, grant me a vision of Thyself." She says, "While I was still praying, my little house was full of light and a vision such as I am not able to describe. It was the Mighty and Glorious One. I fell on my face before Him and remained thus, my heart overflowing with joy. Then and there I resolved to become a Christian."It is hard for me to read this. As a child & teen prayed that God might show himself to me over & over & over. There are lots of reasons i can use to justify why God would not "reveal" himself to me but does to others. I can't help but wonder, "Jesus, where is the abundant life you have promised? How is it that i'm a Christian but still so echoingly empty inside?" I had this conversation with my sis last week. "How can i be a Christian & still so empty inside? Where is the joy & the abundant life promised?" And from my childhood, tho i reject these thoughts now - "Can i really be a Christian when i cannot feel the presence of God, when i am so barren, so hollow, so lacking?"
"Jesus, where is the abundant life you promised?"
I'm beginning to wonder, even tho i've accepted Jesus into my life, have i just been wearing him as an appendage, someone to point to as the pattern, the mentor of my life, but not someone i've really submitted to, as really having trusted him. I think i've more searching to do. This needs to change. I need to submit.
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My heart is heavy & sore. My niece who married last summer is pregnant. Also a friend who already has 3 children. My foster brother's stepdaughter is pregnant at 16 - she's going to keep the baby. Another friend mentioned someone she knows who is giving up her baby, but doesn't want it placed in CA.
This is all around me & will continue to be all around me for the rest of my days. I want to believe that if i submit to God - finally do whatever it is that i'm "suppose" to do - that he will take away the emptiness & grant my heart's desire. Once again, that is stepping into prosperity gospel. I know that i don't really trust God very much. I told my husband, even if we got pregnant, i'm sure that we would have a special needs child that neither of us feel able to handle.
9 And I say unto you, Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.
13 If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children: how much more shall your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to them that ask him? Luke chapter 11
I don't think i trust God to be a good father to me. I do expect the stone, the serpent, the scorpion. I've a long way to go to really be able to trust.
Dear Lord, please help me to do so.
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