Yada, yada, whinging about the weekend

I bit the bullet & had the brief discussion with the pastor regarding what happened on Friday.   I'm feeling almost worse over the conversation than if i had left it alone.

I asked when he called the insurance company & he didn't know what i was talking about.  When i said, "At what point did you call the insurance company & find out they wouldn't cover what i do?"  he told me he never made a call.  I must have looked blank. 


He said, "I didn't have to.  Anything not directly related to what we do here, church-related, is not covered."


(Hello??? You think your rummage sale is covered?  You've a greater chance at being sued for someone tripping in the parking lot than the work i do.  If your rummage sale is covered, then my doing work for donations to the church is covered as well.  If i'm not covered, i can't see how the rummage sale/fundraiser would be.)


He told me "No one knew you were coming."  


(???  I told the lady in charge three different times i would be there.)


He agreed that what happened would make me feel disrespected, but again stated, "No one knew you were coming."  He also said that had anyone known i was coming, he probably would have said i could do it this year, but not in future years.  Water under the bridge.  As he never knew what occurred Friday AM, he is not responsible for the reaction of the lady who was running the show.



I told him there is very little chance that i'd ever be sued & that i have insurance.  It made no difference to him.  "Churches, especially conservative churches, are being sued more & more," was his response.


Don't i know it?  Our church down the hill is about to be taken from the people who paid for & built it because the diocese has laid claim to it.  That church did everything it could to protect itself from the position in which it find itself, but it didn't make any difference.  Does that mean that God is removed from this process? The people there are distressed, but are trusting God to be in their midst.


I totally agree with taking necessary precautions.  But there is also over the top.  I think what he has chosen to do is over the top.  If he is that concerned, he shouldn't have the rummage sale there, either.  

I could have done something that was beneficial for the church, beneficial for the people i worked on, that would have raised a small amount of money for them, & would have had virtually no risk.  That i was told i could not do so on some mythical risk seems to me to outline the problems i'm having in this church.   


This pastor tells us to trust God & have faith in him, but then does something like this that seems to negate all the trust & faith.  If i was in a profession that had a higher risk of being sued, i could completely understand the concern.  That is not the case.  If this dubious chance of being sued was something truly potential, then yes, by all means err on the side of caution.  As there is essentially no risk, why not do good & trust God?


Amrita, you are right, we are worlds apart.  In the US, folks sue at the drop of a pin if they think they can get money for it.  It does happen.  But again, i think the church runs a greater risk of that by having folks buy stuff from us that is used.  Or by selling hot dogs.  If someone really wanted to be devious & sue the church, we have cracks in the pavement they could "trip" on & have a way to sue us.  It hasn't happened yet, in years of running this rummage sale.  But our pastor believes that people are evil, & cannot be good.  I tend to believe that most people want to be/try to be good & honest (even tho none of us can ever be as good as God). 


It was kind of the final straw for me today, when in his sermon he yelled at us about not being joyful.  He asked the congregation of we believe what we actually say in the Apostle's Creed.  Yes, of course, was the response.  "THEN WHY AREN'T YOU JOYFUL?" he shouted.  "If you believe what we state in the creed, you have to be joyful.  If you aren't joyful, you aren't saved."  (This just after telling us that if we don't know if we are saved or not, we're not reading the Bible; the Bible gives us the hope & promise of salvation.)  The fact is i do, on occasion, feel that incredible joy of my salvation, of being part of God & having him in my life & that has never occurred after being chastised like this in church. 


Duane responded negatively to his joyful stuff, too.  But he didn't recognize it for what it was:  Manipulation & shaming.  


Ok, he & i have now talked about this in depth.  This is what it comes down to:  This church doesn't work for us.  But we've an emotional attachment to it & the people there.  Therefore, we feel badly that it "doesn't work."  It hurts that we need to leave it.  It doesn't mean that we should stay.  It means that it hurts to leave.  It doesn't mean that we are judging it bad or criticizing it in a way to be gossiping or creating problems.  It.Just.Does.Not.Work.


Move on. 



19

Negativity

It is a big part of our culture not to be negative, not to complain, to focus on the positive.  There is much to be said about this, too.  Trent, at The Simple Dollar wrote a post recently on The Cost of Negativity & how he & a co-worker were able to turn a difficult situation around.  

To a large degree, we have a lot of choice in how we see things.  Is the glass half empty or half full?  Do we take lemons & make lemonade?  Yet, somehow in humans it is nature to see the dark, the "off," the errors.  If you look at a blank sheet of paper that has a small dark mark on it somewhere, the dark mark is what draws your attention.  So is human nature.  We tend to look at that & not at the rest that is good.

I read a study some years ago that said that depressed people have a more realistic outlook than folks who are not depressed.  Non-depressed people tended to color things more brightly than reality actually deserved.  Now, i'm not saying that we need to hold to harsh realism all the time.  I think an optimistic attitude & being hopeful is a very good thing.  I think it helps us get thru the dark times.

There is another side to this, however.  Too much focus on "the bright side of life" can make our sight dim.  (Sorry just had to throw that in.)  There are times when always looking for the positive blinds us to reality.  There are times we need to be realistic & not continually look for the best & the brightest, but face the situation as it actually is.  For more on that, check out Barbara Ehrenreich's  Bright-Sided:  How the Relentless Promotion of Positive Thinking has Undermined America.  It is not my intent to go into this too deeply, but just to say that "relentless promotion of positive thinking" can get in the way of grieving & is often unkind to push when someone is going thru a loss.

This was a bit of digression to give some backstory to what i have to say.  

I may be very close to being willing to walk away from our Lutheran church.  

I was advised to inform our pastor that we are visiting other churches.  I see the wisdom in this advice as the church currently seems to believe we are not attending due to my struggle with chronic fatigue.  That feels deceptive to me.  We have not acted on this advice, however.  There just seems to be no way to do this without being highly critical.  

I don't want to be critical, & yet i am.  We have worked very hard at not talking about our criticisms (not to "complain") to other members as we do not want to create problems & divisions in the church.  In talking it over, Duane & i feel we have worked very hard to see the glass as half full in this situation & have made a lot of explanations & excuses for the things that have been done.  

Dear friend Cindy suggested that we stick to the factual:  

I was very disturbed that pastor has said from the pulpit (& in private conversation) that none of the other churches  are "doing it right" & most no longer honor Jesus & many are removing the crosses from the churches.  Because this disturbed me, we decided to check it out & have found it not to be true.  

I discussed this at length with John on Thursday.  He agreed with Cindy's approach & suggested - very strongly suggested - that we stick to ONE point.  He said that 1.  we can't change our pastor or the situation  2.  going in with a "laundry list" of things bothering us will not be beneficial & 3.  using a "laundry list" will just make things messy.  

To the above suggested by Cindy, he recommended adding, "Yes i have health issues, but they are chronic & will not be resolved quickly.  There is more going on than just my health.  (Insert the above here.)  We need to be ecumenical & will be attending other churches."  Also he recommended to keep the conversation short.

That said, if the pastor pushes for more we can go into more detail if we wish.  Duane & i discussed this & decided that if we need it to be short then Duane alone should discuss this with the pastor.  Both of us together in a specially arranged visit with him would give it too much weight & too much importance. 

Because Duane was going to have this conversation, i passed up the perfect opportunity yesterday to say this.  Pastor walked me to my car when i left the rummage sale.  I should have said this then.  I'm not very good at coming up with things quickly, especially when i'm stressed or angry.  (I was quite angry.  Gave that story at my other blog.) I'm not good at handling conflict at all.  

Which made me realize i could take another approach with this conversation.

"I'm very bad at dealing with conflict.  I run from conflict when i can.  I have been struggling with & very conflicted over doctrine being taught here & we have been attending other churches."  

Of course, that could raise questions of what in the doctrine i don't like.  I'm not sure i could answer that.  As i've not attended other Lutheran churches (except an occasional visit here or there), i've no idea if what i'm struggling with is actual Lutheran doctrine, or our pastor's presentation of it.  I lean toward the latter.  Much as i like him, i don't like many of his opinions, especially when they are preached as if they are Biblical doctrine.

It has been interesting for me to discover thru this that Duane recognizes no church authority, & i'm rather the opposite.  

Catholic hierarchy places the deacons & priests above the people, the bishops above the priests, the arch bishops . . . etc.  Taken literally, the Catholics have taught for a long time that you can't get to Jesus directly, you need an intermediary, whether that is a priest, a saint, or Mary.  Those intermediaries are in authority of those seeking their help.  

Duane long ago rejected this when he was a child.  (I have told you Duane is highly intelligent, right?)  When he was in CCD or catechism classes or something, he saw the problems within the church teaching.  When he was not given adequate answers to his questions, he rejected the church authority over him.  He essentially said to himself, "I am a Catholic Christian but not Roman Catholic.  My only authority is Jesus himself.  I do not answer to any other authority."  I doubt he did this as literally as i'm outlining, but that was his thinking.  

The churches i was raised in had a pastor, deacons &/or elders, but little other authority (certainly nothing like a hierarchy with bishops, archbishops, & a pope).  Yet, somehow, when i am sitting in a service, i do feel i am "under the authority" of the person speaking, even if it is only for that hour.  Which means i can become very uncomfortable in a church service in a short time.  I've no idea where this view came from for me.  I think it has played a huge part in my discomfort in our current church as i have felt that the pastor's opinions have some authority that gives them more weight than the opinions of others. 

I think it would be much better if i could adopt Duane's philosophy, but it will be a struggle to change something so ingrained.  

Since i can't say it elsewhere, here i my laundry list of things that have bothered me & i need to keep to myself.  Some of these things are huge, others are not very important but simply irritating.  In no particular order:

The condemnation of other churches

Lack of charity with other churches

The belief that we can't know if we will really make it to heaven to be with God

The focus on the smallness, the wickedness of people rather than on the greatness of God

A rigidness about "upholding the doctrines" that excludes other people

Rigidity at the age a child can join the church & take communion

Great pride in being "Lutheran"

Excluding others in that pride

Much use of shaming & inability to differentiate between guilt & shame

Interruption of the liturgy in order to explain the history of the liturgy

Changing the liturgy to suit the wishes of the congregation

Just an overwhelming sense of negativity

The pastor starts programs that peter out within a short time (So far, since we began this church just over 3 years ago, the programs that have died off within a short time of starting:  Saturday evening service; Saturday Bible Studies; a youth drama class; an Aikido class; a book club; quarterly pot lucks; catechism classes for youth to join the church; children's Sunday school; VBS has been done but this pastor didn't want to do it; church newsletter) 

I'm sure there is more.  This is enough for me now.

To be fair, here is the list of the good we see in this church:

They truly love Jesus

They try to uphold the Bible as the Word of God

They are a loving church

They are a friendly church

They work to make people feel welcome

They are concerned about the needs & problems of the congregation

 

I have to ask myself, why don't these balance?   They should, i think.  Yet somehow i'm only seeing the splotch on the paper, instead of all that is on the rest of it that is beautiful.  I guess, for me, that these past 3 years have been some form of water torture.  I never know when that drop of water will fall on my head, & it is only a drop of water.  But this has happened often enough now that my head is soaked, i'm tired, & i don't want to do this any more. 

18

Interesting

The class i'm currently taking is a hands-on class about healing.  Some time ago now, Dr. John Upledger discovered that working with certain rhythms within the body (the CranioSacral rhythm, which much of current medical model doesn't even yet recognize) would help a person heal & often very dramatically.  

Because this rhythm is very subtle, the work is gentle & also very subtle.  This spills over into energy work & other "woo-woo" practices.  Yet it does work & often very powerfully.

Yesterday in class i was looking at the group formations & how they were doing certain energy-healing techniques.  What i found most fascinating was that the groups looked like some prayer-healing groups i have attended.  (Okay, i think i've only been to 2 or 3 of these, but the groupings looked similar.  Also the stance & attitude of the folks involved.)  

I think i've said before that "new age" stuff doesn't scare me.  I find that often they have "tapped into" something that God has created.  The folks who credit "the universe" or something similar just haven't met the author & creator of the energy/techniques which they are using.

 

That is how i see much of the work in this particular workshop.  I don't know the beliefs of Dr. Upledger, but it seems to me that he has "discovered" much of the type of healing that is done by prayer & laying on of hands.

I am not ashamed of Jesus, nor to be affiliated with Christ our Lord, but i do hesitate to identify myself as "Christian."  It seems to me that the meaning of that word is largely lost in our society, & identifying myself as "Christian" can lead to many misunderstandings.

On break today i mentioned to another lady that i am a Christian & how that the work we'd done the day before reminded me of laying on of hands/prayers for healing.

Her comment was that she is a Christian, but that she doesn't believe that Jesus is the only way to God.  She mentioned other "enlightened" prophets thru the centuries.  I wasn't as blunt as to tell her that not believing Jesus is the only path to God by default/definition means that she is not a Christian, but i did discuss the various beliefs, & how that Jesus, to Christian belief, is unique among all the "enlightened prophets."

This does seem to be common in our culture:  Believing that simply having a belief in "God" or a "higher power" makes on a Christian.  

Right or wrong, good or bad, (even tho this sounds rigid & i don't like that) to be "Christian" requires more than just "belief."  It isn't a vague set of values.  It requires a commitment & sometimes it requires things i don't personally care for.  I don't fully understand God as presented by the Bible (& you could be worried about me if i said that i do).  There is much about God that i'm not even sure i like.  

But i do believe that God is good.  That he loves us & expressed that love by sending Jesus.  That to reject Jesus is to reject God.  

So, even tho i don't understand, i trust that what he says is true.  

I don't know where i'm going with this post.  Just recording some observations about the class & this lady's comments which i found interesting.

17

Bitterness

Bitterness?  How can i be struggling with bitterness just a few days after experiencing such joy & passion?  Lord knows, i must just be seriously twisted.

I "freaked" out about an expense today - Highly Stressed.  It zapped every molecule of energy within me. 

 

 But what i've really been struggling over is the coming Sunday.  Is it ok if i just stay in bed & cry all day?  I did contemplate going to the Catholic Church, where much will be said of the veneration of the Holy Mother, but much more will be said as well.  

I want to post about all this, & hardly anyone is reading either blog, but i'm afraid of the whinging & whining.  I'm tired of listening to myself feel sorry for myself.  I don't want to live a life where each year on this one day i have to hide away.  I know i'm not alone in this feeling, but it does seem the possibility that Mother's Day was created just to make some of us feel incredibly inferior & deeply depressed.  

EJ just posted that she got to hear the baby's (well she said "babies") heartbeat.  That simply crushes me.  This year it is even more clear than ever that this will NEVER come to us.  Duane is hurt & disappointed, but philosophical.  

Me?  Bitter.  Life seems to be incredibly cruel.  God seems inept.  The people who parrot about "God's perfect plan" dense.  The "promises" in the scriptures simply daft.  

 

I could go on, so much has been bouncing around in my head.  But, to what purpose?

I may feel bitter, but this bitterness has more to do with expectations than anything else.  Too many people go on about "God's perfect plan" & the promises of scripture, & having "enough faith" & so much more.  

I think they take many of those verses out of context.  However, Jesus said, "My yoke is easy & my burden is light."  I must be doing something wrong, for i don't find it to be so!

Never-the-less, what i HAVE to hang on to is that God is good.  I may not understand all of this, & i may never be satisfied about this.  But above all, i do believe that God is good.  I strain to believe that, sometimes.  I look at all the injustice, unfairness, & grievances, not just in my life but in the world in general.  Life is so often a paradox, ironic, incongruent, illogical.  It just doesn't make sense!  It just isn't fair!

 

I believe that life is just a bundle of events, circumstances, & other weird occurrences.  Some are directly related to my own choices, good & bad.  Sometimes i'm effected by the choices of others, good or bad.  Often i have no say or control over any of this.  The promise is that God will take that bundle & weave it into something which will be beautiful & glorify him.

 

I think i have it hard.  Yep.  I do.  I think many of us, most of us, all of us have things with which we struggle.  It usually feels unfair.  But God requires some give their very lives.  People go to their deaths for being Christian.  So whinging about not having the "perfect life i planned, with a wonderful career & 2.1 children" is just smack.   

 

This is what it is.  This is what we have.  

I don't believe in "God's perfect plan."  I do believe that somehow, all this mess, all the weird & bizarre things happening, all the senseless & ugly things, will come together & glorify God.  I don't understand how or why.  I don't need to.  I don't run the world.  Obviously i would not run it this way.  But God doesn't account to me.  

One of my favorite songs for a long time has been Depeche Mode's Blasphemous Rumors.  

I don't want to start any blasphemous rumors 

but i think that God has a sick sense of humor

& when i die i expect to find him laughing. 

And, frankly, this is often what life feels like. 

 

For the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men.      1 Corinthians 1.25

That's about all we can hold on to.  What we see of God in our world will often make no sense.  We simply have to trust.  God is good.

 

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