A week (+) later

Passion is exhausting!

But, this time, i have found that as the passion burned out, peace remained.  I am truly thankful.  

One thing i have to remember . . . that just having such an experience is not the "end all."  I used to think that way.  "When ___x____ happens, my life will smooth out, things will be easier."  I have grown since i used to have such thoughts.  There is always the next thing.

Because we are human & have to live in the moment, because we have past & future, these experiences don't "endure."  We are not made to sustain any one level of something for a long period of time.  So for me, that passion is gone, but the memory remains.  

I've been thinking about it, & i think this is just the first of a long series of allowing God deeper into my life.  I can't think, "Ok, i had that experience.  I've now experienced God" & put it on a shelf somewhere.  I need to allow God to continue working in me.

Too tired to continue.  Hope everyone is having a blessed day.  :)

 

 

13

Passion - something exciting & good

I've been writing about our search for a church where we can be comfortable.  I've really struggled with our Lutheran church.  Our pastor, without a doubt, loves Jesus very much.  He also is a passionate man & speaks with much ardor.  He also speaks with authority.  An authority i often feel is not warranted.  He also has a history of depression, & i think i have mentioned that because of my own background, i hear his depression screaming, even screeching, in many of his sermons.  I don't think most other people hear that, but because i am "sensitive" to it, it comes thru very clearly for me.  I have believed this to be a "function of me" - my problem & not in general a problem with the church itself.  Still, i've known it to be a problem with which i grapple for a long time.

 

Because of my history (depression & a worse psych diagnosis), i've worked with a therapist (John) for a long time.  I now only see him about once a month; he helps me stay "balanced."   Our belief systems don't match.  We agree on some things, on other things we do not.  He is Unitarian.  I know some Christian folks feel a Christian should only see a Christian counselor, but this has worked very well for me.  (Due to the severity of my previous diagnosis, there were very few Christian counselors qualified to work with me.)  However, some time ago i said to John about the Lutheran pastor:  "I wouldn't trust him for counseling.  If i had a spiritual issue for which i sought direction, i would not go to him.  I'd be more likely to discuss it with you."

John's response was, "That is a problem."  Because he knows that we don't share beliefs, he could not direct me on these issues. 

 

He is right, of course.  I've just not known what to do.

I was raised in an unloving home & an unhealthy church.  I learned early that being excited about something at home or church was not safe.  Still, at school & with friends i was an exuberant child until i was about 12.  At that time due to some circumstances with friends & with a teacher, i learned that it just wasn't safe to be excited about anything & share it.  If i had been able to feel safe at church or home OR with friends or at school, i think i would have been ok.  But having no safe place anywhere, i gave up.  I learned to stuff any joy or delight into the cellar & stand on the trap door!

Interesting, it is about that time i began to have problems with chronic fatigue, too.  

The last time i remember ever letting myself be really excited about something was when i was 21.  I think i've mentioned it elsewhere & the details aren't very important, but that balloon was popped & i never let myself have (show) any kind of passion again.  I think i stuffed myself into a straight-jacket & have lived in it ever since.  

 

It had to be a straight-jacket because if i had energy i didn't know what to do with it (except hurt myself) & i would make myself lie perfectly still.  I mean this literally.  I was afraid to use any energy i had because my world view was so negative.  My mantra was "Don't make it worse. Don't make it worse."  I was often suicidal although i feared standing before God & saying, "You weren't enough for me."  I was afraid anything i would do would make the situation worse (like hurting myself & becoming paraplegic or something).  My thoughts & energy was so very negative.  I tried to be positive & put a funny spin on my life.  I could do it most of the time.   I did often give thanks to God for my blessings & the good in my life.  Yet i was still so very empty & i often wondered why my life was so barren. 

The chronic fatigue has been very, very bad in the past 3 years.  I see my ability to do many things slipping away.  I've had to give up life dreams.  I've had to face that i'm no longer able to do cooking/housework & have had to hire someone to come in.  I've never been very good at those things, but to admit that i can't do them has been very hard.  When i finally took the step, when i finally admitted that i was failing at my tasks & couldn't do them & then found someone who said she could help me, i was excited.  For the first time since i was 21 i was really excited.  When it didn't work out, my balloon was popped again.  After all those years, nothing but a popped balloon & wasted passion.  Passion doesn't feel very safe to me. 
 

I saw myself being stuffed back into that straight jacket.  It isn't safe to get excited.

 

I've long had a relationship with God that is very intellectual but not very emotional.  I usually feel empty inside & know that as a Christian that is not "suppose to be so," but i've not known how to change it.  The negativity at the Lutheran church has been getting to me.  

Yesterday i attended Community Church by the Lake & Saturday night i listened to some of their podcasts.  This pastor (his name is Don) has a different approach.  Not so negative.  Listening to the podcast, i thought, "This is someone i could go to to seek spiritual advice, if i needed it.  This is someone i could trust."  It is not that he is "soft on sin" as some churches accuse others of being.  He knows that we sin & need Jesus, but his focus is on the greatness of God not on our smallness.  It makes so much difference!  One of the things he said, in talking of the failures of the Children of Israel, was that they lacked passion & wanted to be passive.  

 

That caught my interest at the time, but last night in reviewing it, it really came clear to me that i've kept myself straight-jacketed & not let God work in me.  

Suddenly, as if just realizing that i've closed my life to the passion for life, the realization opened the flood gates.  I was filled with passion!  If i had the energy, i'd have been dancing thru the house.  It felt wonderful!  (And now, it feels kind of scary & unsafe, but i don't care, i'll embrace it.)

Another thing Don said on one of the podcasts (the recent sermons have been on Israel's flight from Egypt, their sin, & the 40 years in the wilderness) was that the Children of Israel didn't trust God & complained.  They believed - most of them - that God brought them into the wilderness to destroy them.  They did not see that God wanted good things for them.   Don said, "If you believe God is out to get you, to trip you up, to do harm to you, you're in a very bad place.  God is the GOOD guy, & if you have come to see him as the bad guy, where do you go from there?" 

It is true.  In our quest for a child, my depression - often extreme depression - & difficulty in seeing a future for us, i have often thought that God is the bad guy, out to trip me up & screw with my head.  I've tried NOT to think those things.  I thank God every day for our many blessings. I talk to him frequently, even if it is just to be honest & say that i don't trust him much.  But those things, even the thanksgiving, have been so empty.  I've been wanting to die for a while now.  I'm not suicidal.  But i've seen no value in my life.  I feel worthless with my lack of energy & inability to do anything.  I don't want to leave my husband (die), i think it would hurt him, but i can't feel that i'm a helpmeet, or a benefit, or anything of good.  I've not placed any value on my life for a long, long time.  I remember at 16 telling my mother that if i was lucky i wouldn't live to be 20.  (I was punished for that.)  

I'm so excited, so passionate, to thankful to God for coming & filling me, i think i would burst if i didn't share it.  I've so long wanted to die & my spiritual life was intellectual only.  It felt too scary to embrace & love life.

 

I don't know where this will go.  I would like to think that now i'll recover my energy (& i will have to learn discipline in how to use it if i do) & maybe even have children.  But that may very likely not happen.  It doesn't matter.  I now can see that i do have value, even if i am bed-fast most of the time.  Duane & i have a future (i'm not saying our marriage was bad, just that i couldn't see a future or a reason for a future without children) & i can believe, trust, have faith that God has good for us in store, even if it is not what my desires would give me.  

 

What is also interesting, i don't think we will attend that church, tho i could be wrong.  I think i will listen to the podcasts.  I think with this passion i probably can attend the Lutheran church & not be discouraged.  You see, i can now very clearly see that the problem there is not just a product of me.  What he is preaching is bondage - the negativity, the criticism of other churches & their forms of faith & worship, the focus on our sins & foibles, all of it - it is bondage.  God wants us to know his freedom.  I'm not sure that ultimately we won't end up leaving, but for now my passion is for that bondage to be broken, to still attend that Lutheran church, knowing the freedom that is ours in Christ.  (I love the liturgy.  It helped me begin healing long ago & i would miss it greatly if we didn't go to a liturgical church any more.)

 

It was exciting to share this with Duane this AM.  (Last night he shared all his fun from the SAR weekend with me, & then fell asleep as he was exhausted.)  I think our lives will be deeper, richer.  I'm using the same words to thank God & talk to him, but the emptiness is gone.  

 

I know that the emptiness may return, some.  This high of excitement is not really sustainable as life's realities creep in.  However, just being open to having a passion for living & for being part of God's kingdom is likely to prevent the staleness, the stark emptiness from returning to that dead level.

I AM so very thankful.  :)

 

12

Just some thoughts

"We cannot become what we need to be, remaining what we are." ~ Max Depree 

I tried to find out about Max Depree, but my searches weren't very productive.  I'm not sure i tried hard enough, or my brain just wasn't processing what i was reading.  Nonetheless, i think this is a powerful statement. 

"Forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past." (unknown author)

___________________________

I didn't finish writing this one, either, & was interrupted, but in a good way.  I'll write about that soon.

 

 11

Everyday life

I think the fact that i've been depressed shows the past couple of months in blogging.  I did far fewer posts at my regular blog than what is normal for me.  

I got to visit a while with my dear friend Linda on Wednesday.  We talked of spiritual things mostly, although we touched on some other issues too.  She gave voice to hoping that Duane & i could find a "Spiritual Home" here on the mountain.  It is interesting to me that when i tell folks of the struggles i'm having at the Lutheran church, their reaction quite often is, "Why do you go there?"

Why?  Well, it was our spiritual home.  We love the people there.  We love the friendliness of the people & the love they have for one another.  We love that they are serious about trying to support those in our midst who need help.  Also the pastor LOVES Jesus; he is passionate about it.  In light of all this, my feeble struggles with the sermons & opinions given by the pastor seem too pale to carry weight.  Except i continue to struggle.  I was telling myself that this struggle was "stretching" me & helping me grow.  But i'm afraid that this is no longer true.  This stretching me is bring me near breaking point.  

But i don't think we will find a church in BB where we will be comfortable attending every week.  First off, "home" for us is always going to be liturgical.  There are only 4 (full) liturgical churches up here.  Two Lutheran, an Episcopal, & the Catholic church.  A few others use the creeds or other forms from the liturgy, but they don't fit the category i consider liturgical.  The Episcopal church we simply can't go with, for reasons i'd rather not discuss.  But this was hard, for i've been Episcopalian/Anglican since college.
___________________________

I'm done.  It's been a long day & this was interrupted & i'm done. 


10

Guess i've a lot to say, today

I think "it must be working" somehow.  The desire to get closer to God & to follow what Jesus desires for us.

Why do i think so?  I'm pretty depressed & find that all i want to do is crawl in bed & pull the covers over my head.  This tells me i'm getting some pretty strong opposition to where i'm trying to go.

Hooray!  It is working!  I'm depressed!

9

More on that thought

I've long known that the Christian life isn't about me.  "Not my will, but thine be done."  I'm not promised happiness, or wealth, or my desires in this life.  Those promises are from the Old Covenant.  Jesus brings in the New Covenant, & his promises are eternal life, & abundant life.  I have to admit that following Jesus often seems harsh to me. 

The church folks that talk about life of abundance (as in the "American Dream" type) that can be obtained by positive thinking have mixed "The Secret" with the Gospel.  This results in a prosperity gospel that has little resemblance to the Gospel preached by Jesus.

I do not accept this for myself.  I've had folks tell me that because of chronic illness by which i'm limited i'm not praying the right way, or not "tapping into" the power that is promised me, or i'm not reading the scripture enough, or . . . something i'm doing is wrong.  I am hurt by this, of course, but i reject the thinking behind this.  God does not promise me anything here except he is sufficient for me, & that in my weakness he is strong, & that all things will ultimately work together for his glory.   

Amrita, of Yesu Garden, posted on Chundra Lela, a saint of India. Part of the story Amrita shared is:

After the seven years she spent visiting these holy places, Chundra was still not at peace . . . She said, "I felt that for all the outlay of money and time and for all my sufferings I had found nothing soul-satisfying. No knowledge of myself, nor yet of God for a vision of whom I had been willing to endure so much." . . . One day she prayed ,"O Jesus if thou art the true God, grant me a vision of Thyself." She says, "While I was still praying, my little house was full of light and a vision such as I am not able to describe. It was the Mighty and Glorious One. I fell on my face before Him and remained thus, my heart overflowing with joy. Then and there I resolved to become a Christian."

It is hard for me to read this.  As a child & teen prayed that God might show himself to me over & over & over.   There are lots of reasons i can use to justify why God would not "reveal" himself to me but does to others.  I can't help but wonder, "Jesus, where is the abundant life you have promised?  How is it that i'm a Christian but still so echoingly empty inside?"  I had this conversation with my sis last week.  "How can i be a Christian & still so empty inside?  Where is the joy & the abundant life promised?"  And from my childhood, tho i reject these thoughts now - "Can i really be a Christian when i cannot feel the presence of God, when i am so barren, so hollow, so lacking?"


"Jesus, where is the abundant life you promised?"


I'm beginning to wonder, even tho i've accepted Jesus into my life, have i just been wearing him as an appendage, someone to point to as the pattern, the mentor of my life, but not someone i've really submitted to, as really having trusted him.  I think i've more searching to do.  This needs to change.  I need to submit.
_______________________


My heart is heavy & sore.  My niece who married last summer is pregnant.  Also a friend who already has 3 children.  My foster brother's stepdaughter is pregnant at 16 - she's going to keep the baby.  Another friend mentioned someone she knows who is giving up her baby, but doesn't want it placed in CA.  


This is all around me & will continue to be all around me for the rest of my days.  I want to believe that if i submit to God - finally do whatever it is that i'm "suppose" to do - that he will take away the emptiness & grant my heart's desire.  Once again, that is stepping into prosperity gospel.  I know that i don't really trust God very much.  I told my husband, even if we got pregnant, i'm sure that we would have a special needs child that neither of us feel able to handle. 

    9  And I say unto you, Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.

  10 For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.

  11 If a son shall ask bread of any of you that is a father, will he give him a stone? or if he ask a fish, will he for a fish give him a serpent?

  12 Or if he shall ask an egg, will he offer him a scorpion?                                            

13 If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children: how much more shall your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to them that ask him?  Luke chapter 11

 I don't think i trust God to be a good father to me.  I do expect the stone, the serpent, the scorpion.  I've a long way to go to really be able to trust.

Dear Lord, please help me to do so.

8

Scattered thoughts

I sometimes read a blog called Refine Us.  Yesterday's post was Jesus Doesn't Want to Fix You.  Interesting.  I sent it on to Duane for his opinion & i can see we'll probably have a lot to discuss on our way home tomorrow.  (I do love our 4 hours in the car together every week.  It is precious.)


I think there is a lot of truth in this blog post.  We want to kind of add God/Jesus/belief/religion onto our lives as an appendage to augment what we already have.   His point is that Jesus wants to give us a NEW life, not to be tacked on to what we have & asked to "supercharge" our lives, or something.

The post (i don't know if Justin or Trisha wrote it) says that the emptiness we often feel is because we haven't really surrendered to Jesus, we just add him on.  I can really relate to this.

What this post doesn't discuss is fear.

I don't think that we want Jesus to "fix us" so that we have this great life solely.  I think that fear is a factor, the fear of really letting go & letting someone else assume control when we don't know where it is going to lead.  I think it is something like the fear of death.  We don't know what is beyond that last closing of the eyes & we fear that unknown & loss of control.  

Personally, i don't fear death.  I don't know what is on the other side & that does occasionally bring anxiety for me.  But overall, i'm not afraid of death.  It has long puzzled me when a Christian says to me, "I was so lucky!  I would have died if . . . "  It puzzles me because my response is, "But then you'd be with God!  You'd be in the presence of God & be with Jesus!"  ???


I don't think my attitude as "holy" however.  It is because i don't value (my) life a whole lot.  I think this is sin, but it is how i've viewed my life for a long time. 

My fear of really submitting to God is a similar fear, i think.  Fear of the unknown & the loss of control.  Also, i think from my upbringing, that there is the fear that submitting to God becomes a loss of self & personality & anything that makes me myself, who i am.  Now this is not scriptural.  It is more of an Eastern religion that believes that we each become "one with the universe" or part of a huge stream of consciousness & lose all personality/individuality.  

I do not believe this is what God wants for us.  


Regardless, it looks to me like i need to review my relationship with Jesus & see if i have had him just as an "add on" & if my belief & faith need to change.


7