Why?

I'm not a person who asks, "Why?" often.  I think in particular, i don't ask that of God.  More than anything else because i don't expect i'll get an answer.  Any question to God that begins "Why . . . " seems to result in a default response of "Your question in not in a form to which i can respond."



That didn't have a lot of meaning to this post, just a gratuitous thought on questioning God.


My "why" question today is a little more direct.  "Why have we been going to this Lutheran church for over 3 years?"


Several times i've shared with other people different things that G has preached & with which i felt profound discomfort.  More than once the response has been, "And you're still going there?  Why are you still going there?" 



My answer has invariably been, "Because i feel God wants me there," or "I feel we are called to be there."



I will be frank, i'm not a big believer in "the will of God," or "God's perfect plan."  I tend to be more of the "lo que sera sera" ("what will be will be") mindset.  



But it felt right to be at that church.  There were many positive things that drew us there.  So it was right, until it wasn't any more.  The "it isn't right anymore" happened very quickly.  We had talked about our issues, worried over them, prayed about it, etc. for months, even a year or more.  Then between about the 27th of May & the 4th of June, bam!  It was done.  



Part of the reason that i felt it right to be at that church for so long was that i felt it was "stretching" me.  Duane & i spent much time discussing the homilies G gave, & where we disagreed & why & what our own beliefs are, & what we felt the scripture meant.  I think this has probably strengthened my faith more than i could begin to imagine.  



I'm not boasting in my strength, but i can frankly say that i feel very strong in my faith.  It rather surprises me how strong i feel.  It is rather like i've been exercising a muscle for the past months/years & now, when it is called upon, it responds in a manner that is so easy i'm shocked.  I know that had this happened a few years ago, i would have been devastated. 


When i was in a difficult place many years ago, i used the analogy of a plant.  I told someone that i had a scrawny plant of faith, maybe just a couple of wilted leaves on it.  But that the root, while tiny, maybe not much more than a thread, went very, very deep & was rooted & grounded.  I'm currently feeling like that plant of faith has grown a lot & maybe even blossomed.


In many ways i considered myself a "spiritual weakling**."  In many ways i am.   I still struggle with bitterness & disappointment.  I still don't understand many of the things in the world i find so incredibly perplexing.  I'm still going to be talking about the book on spiritual doubt that i've mentioned.  But i do know very well the things i do believe & i hang onto them tightly. 



I also see timing as critical.  I don't know if what i hope to happen will happen, but the timing was important.  IF we had left even 2 weeks sooner than we did, we would not have heard G's sermons that crossed from questionable into definite heresy.  Because we were there to witness that, we were able to bring it to the elders' attention.  



G has gone on defensive.  M told me G said, "I have teeth" (from my post on the 13th).   Duane said, in response to this, that it is the dog who feels cornered who bites.  If G really wasn't threatened by our charges, he wouldn't need to bite.  


I don't think the changes i think this church needs & i hope will happen will occur, certainly not very soon.  But we hope seeds are planted that will produce the awareness of the need for change.   



We have not heard anything from the church.  Duane doesn't think we will.  I can't imagine that they won't respond.  It seems to me that even just a letter stating that "they" (whether the elders or council, i don't know - probably not the congregation) voted & upheld G's stand.  Thus far we have heard nothing. 






** Oh Me of Little Faith

26