How will it play out?

I don't know how the church issues is going to play out ultimately.  We've talked about not burning bridges, but we are ready to rescind our membership at the Lutheran church.  That does seem to me like we are making an irreversible decision there.   


If i were more like Duane, we wouldn't need to do this.  He is much less effected by it than am i.  He hears the things that bother me, sees the incongruities, doesn't like them, & can walk away because in his mind they have no authority over him.  I wish i was more like that.  


Yeah, i'm still angry over things that have happened & yeah, i want to go on & on about them.  


However, i am pretty certain that our choosing not to attend that church anymore is the right thing to do.  I don't think it is me being petty or vindictive.  

Here is why:  When i think of what has happened, i get mad.  But just as overwhelmingly, i pray for the pastor & the church.  I hurt that he believes & teaches as he does.  I desperately desire for him not to be caught down whatever foxhole he is in.  And i pray more.  I also pray for love for him.  


Sounding like shades of Yoda, Duane & i both see "Much fear in him."  I think many of the things he is preaching or choosing to do is directly related to that fear.  I think he yelled at the congregation about joy because he is lacking in that joy.  I think he makes fun of marriage because he fears his own is lacking.  I think he focuses much on the loss of heaven because he fears losing/missing heaven.  I think he denied allowing me to do massage because 1. he's angry with me for not attending regularly anymore & 2. he greatly fears losing the church.  

Fear is an enemy to faith.  I don't think doubt is such an enemy, but fear is.  


I feel helpless in this, for i cannot go to him & say, "I did experience the joy of my salvation & being part of God's family.  It didn't come thru being yelled at or being shamed.  It is a transiet feeling & i probably won't experience it continually or fully until i am in the presence of God.  Please accept this & stop yelling."

And, "I deeply wish that you would experience confidence in your life so that you don't have to fear coming before God & can know that you are a child pleasing to him.  Please stop telling the congregation that salvation is not something they can be assured of.  Please stop passing on fear.  Please learn to live in the knowledge that God loves you & that no one can pluck you from his hand."

And, "I sense that you fear that your faith is incomplete.  I wonder if you are questioning your life as a Christian & are afraid of feeling doubts.  I sense that much of the negativity of other churches & the criticisms are because you are questioning the life you have & your faith?  I wonder if the narrow, rigid path you preach is because of the fear?"


So much more than this.  When we deliberately began to "church hop" in January, it was with prayers for this Lutheran church.  When i felt such joy & passion in March after a sermon & meditating on it, my desire was not to attend the church where i felt that but that the same passion & joy could be experienced at the Lutheran church.  I deeply long for them to experience this too, & it is with prayers of longing that i pray for that church.  


Don't get me wrong.  I'm still hurt & angry about recent events.  I still have a tendency to be critical & lacking in charity.  I want to lash out angrily & point out the mistakes i've seen & the I'm tending to say, "I wish G (the pastor) would just mature in his Christian walk," as if i have achieved that!  :P


Also, i honor the man.  A conversation with my Sis Elsa reminded me of this recently.  I used to go in & have conversations with G.  And at the time i said, "He is the most unique combination of arrogant & humble i have ever met."  He would listen to what i said, & would receive it graciously.  Sometimes he would make changes.  Sometimes we disagreed & left it at that.  But i could have these conversations.  I even enjoyed them.  He is a very intelligent man.


I stopped doing that.  It reached a point where i felt that what i had to say was just too critical & that further conversation would be pointless.  That we couldn't continue on.  It felt like i was simply doing nothing but going in & complaining & that i couldn't keep hitting my head against the wall.  Also, frankly, i didn't like the feeling that by seeking conversations with him, i was submitting to his authority.  So i stopped talking, stopped having conversations, stopped communication.  

I was starting to feel that this is a rambling, pointless post.  


I have changed my mind about this.  I think the problem might be that i gave up on communication.  I feel like i can't say this well or in the manner i mean it.  When marriages begin to fail, often the problem is that the two partners have stopped talking.  They've "given up" or think they know everything the other one is going to say already.  When a partnership in business happens, i think often there is this lack of communication, also.  


Because i don't like conflict & tend to run from it, & it seemed that most of my conversations with G were conflict, i stopped trying.  Relationships die when communication stops.  It is like when you stop watering a flower.  I need to take responsibility for that.  


It is doubtful to me that we (i) will be able to continue in this church.  However, i think i do need to have at least one last conversation with G, & apologize for stopping the "watering" of our relationship.  I think, that just in the writing of this post, i can see that i hold much of the responsibility for my inability to be in this church, because i gave up on it.  


This conversation won't "fix" what i feel is wrong.  I don't have that ability or authority.  That belongs to God.  However, i do feel that i can leave with the relationship somewhat still intact if i explain the problems with which i'm struggling.  It MIGHT just be that we would still be able to attend there sometimes. 

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